brokensoul

On Friday the 19th, it will be 26 yrs since my husband died. I wrote in this diary how it changed my life. Now another year has gone by. Another year of pain, regret, guilt, lonliness, of lost memoriesof love. This is a time I reflect on my life, past, present and future.

This past year my daughter got married and they just moved into a new home. the other day she told me that she is very happy w/ her life right now. She has a great career, is up for a promotion. She is a therapist and now she hopes to be working on a computer program to help therapist. Her husband is tall, dark and handsome. I am very proud of her, she has worked  very hard to get where she is.

Where would she have been if my husband had lived, if she grew up in the middle of the drug world. Where would I be? Did he have to die to save us from the world of drugs.

Where was I, didn't I see what we were doing to ourselves, the danger of our life style. I was addicted too. Then drugs didn't seem to be the problem, it just was there, a part of life. But the drugs caused problems. Why did I not know of the dangers or realize that we were addicts. Its like that old saying if I only knew then what I know now. I found out a hard and painful way.  I could have been sent to prison, he could have been sent to prison and then they would have taken my daughter away. What would have happened, I am too scared to even imagine.

His death opened my eyes, but why did he have to die for me to realize what was going on. Maybe if he was sent to prison I would have realize that cocaine was ruining our lives, did he have to die for me to see reality. Looking  back to that time, I could see his pain, his fears, his insecurities, I was not there for him because I was too wrapped up in my own fears and pain and insecurities and addiction. The cost of me looking at reality, to admitting our addiction was his death. I stopped cold turkey. It was then that I saw what we were doing to ourselves, to our lives, to our daughter.

Why did it have to go so far. I feel now that he died to save my daughter and me . I need a reason, it could not have been for nothing. WHY?

As for me, I am on MDJ to tell others my story, in the hopes that I can help even one person from dying because of drugs or alcohol, to try and prevent anymore ruined lives. I want to be there and help others, support them in their fight to get clean. It is so hard but definitely worth it.  

Did I help someone this past year, I don't know, but I really hope so. Maybe someone reading about my pain will open their eyes, will then admit to themselves that they are addicts and to see the danger it can cause  to them and those that love them.

I need a reason WHY???

I did the best I could financially, it was very hard, I also had my father helping me. He never once judged me, just gave me his love and support.  He taught me the importance of LOVE, I think that is what got us through life. We were and still are very close, I gave her lots and lots of love, never put her down or told her she was bad. I was always there for her, she always came first in my life, even at the expense of my social life.

 But I still feel the pain and guilt of my husbands death, it will never go away, its like a scar that never heals, the pain is always there I just learned how to live w/ it.

The guilt is still there, why didn't I see. I was just so wrapped up in myself and my pain, I didn't see his. I didn't see the problems the drug was causing. Maybe if I had had more self confidence, if I didn't need the drug to make me feel good. So many "ifs" and then  "Why"

His death has to have a reason, its like I need it to have a reason, it could not have happened for no reason. All the pain and suffering had to have a reason. I still miss him so much,  It still hurts so much, never ending pain,... if only.........