|Sep 07 2011|
What happened to me when I was 16 years old. I am now 42. At the time it happened, I refused to talk to anyone about it. It was my problem, I got myself into that situation, it wastherefore my fault (no, no one has the right to do that to anyone else but I did not take care of myself well enough). How I dealt with it was block out what happened. I did that so well that while I always knew that IT happened, and that IT was my fault, I got to the point that I could not remember the details of what happend. That is until about two years ago. I have always had very vivid night terrors but I never remembered them. Well, I started to remember my dreams. Every night I still have the same repeated dream of what happened. The dream is horrible, I can smell his afterhave, I feel the pain, the intense emotions....horrible. It has only been recently that I think I figured out why I started to remember. I had always been a very fit, health, exercise nut. I started to not exercise as much, not care how I looked and was very comfortable with that. About two years ago for reasons I still don't know, I started to care. Started exercising again, lost 90 pounds, started getting some clothes that were actually flattering, started caring about me. Had not realized that I have gone for so many years without really caring about me. Guess it was comforting to me to hide behind being ugly--no one will look at me. Not that I have had a bad life but not much in the way of relationships--but that was OK with me. Have some good friends, have a great job that I love. Well, I am doing things such as guided imagery, progressive muscle relaxation, back into martial arts, doing more things that I enjoy, relaxation breathing exercises. That is helping me during the day but the night terrors still persist. That is why I decided to join this group....start writing in here. Not up to writing about it today but will try again tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like such a failure for not dealing with this long ago. I work helping people deal with problems for a living. I have not even dealt with my own.
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