Bree68

What happened to me when I was 16 years old.  I am now 42.  At the time it happened, I refused to talk to anyone about it.  It was my problem, I got myself into that situation, it wastherefore my fault (no, no one has the right to do that to anyone else but I did not take care of myself well enough).  How I dealt with it was block out what happened.  I did that so well that while I always knew that IT happened, and that IT was my fault, I got to the point that I could not remember the details of what happend.  That is until about two years ago.  I have always had very vivid night terrors but I never remembered them.  Well, I started to remember my dreams.  Every night I still have the same repeated dream of what happened.  The dream is horrible, I can smell his afterhave, I feel the pain, the intense emotions....horrible.  It has only been recently that I think I figured out why I started to remember.  I had always been a very fit, health, exercise nut.  I started to not exercise as much, not care how I looked and was very comfortable with that.  About two years ago for reasons I still don't know, I started to care.  Started exercising again, lost 90 pounds, started getting some clothes that were actually flattering, started caring about me.  Had not realized that I have gone for so many years without really caring about me.  Guess it was comforting to me to hide behind being ugly--no one will look at me.  Not that I have had a bad life but not much in the way of relationships--but that was OK with me.  Have some good friends, have a great job that I love.  Well, I am doing things such as guided imagery, progressive muscle relaxation, back into martial arts, doing more things that I enjoy, relaxation breathing exercises.  That is helping me during the day but the night terrors still persist.  That is why I decided to join this group....start writing in here.  Not up to writing about it today but will try again tomorrow.  Sometimes I feel like such a failure for not dealing with this long ago.  I work helping people deal with problems for a living.  I have not even dealt with my own.