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Bree68 Daily thoughts/emotions/strenghts/opportunities for growth.
Life is what you make of it....if it does not fit make adjustments. I have the power to make those adjustments. I can do it....don't give up.
Bree68 diary feed

Baby steps--4

Sep 13 2011

OK not sure if I can do this but going to try.  I am going to try to write about it.  Deep breath--let me see if I can do this.  Going to try to continue from where I left off.

I now what he intends to do.  All the pain I am in, all he has done no longer matters--this is so much worse.  This cannot be happening.  OMG.  How did I let this happen?  Fight--can't.  No strength left.  He puts his face right up to mine.  Laughs.  Tells me what he is going to me and how much I am going to like it.  I cross my legs, try to fight.  He drives his elbow into my stomach, punches me in the face.  My world goes black.  When it comes back everything is fuzzy.  Pain.  I can't breathe.  His weight is crushing me.  He is telling me to wake up.  He wants me awake for this.  I tell him to kill me now.  He laughes and tells me to scream my little mouse, scream.  I spit in his face.  He responds by driving himself into me...over and over and over.  OMG, this cannot be happening.  Death would be better than this.  Don't listen to him laugh, don't listen to the terrible things he says.  Close my eyes and try to count the seconds 1-2-3-4.  Send my mind elsewhere.  I am not here.  The smell of his colgne is making me sick to my stomach.  Can feel his breath on neck.  He has on dog tags, I have to get them, have to know who he is.....grab the dog tags, got them, don't let go, hold on, hold on....he keeps going....OMG this is never going to end.....just let me die.....

It is over now and I am still alive.

This is all I can do for now....I have never said what happened to me before, never wrote it down until now.  Not sure how I feel right now or if doing this was the right thing to do.  Feel pretty lousy.  I know it is good to get it out but I have held it in for so long....well it is done, I got it out.  Will see how I feel tomorrow.  What I have wrote in here is the nightmare that I have had every night for so many years.  It is always so real and like it is happening over and over again.  I just want it to stop.  Hope this helps.

Previous diary posts by Bree68:
Comments (1)Add Comment
written by Izzy87, September 14, 2011
Letting it out of your head will help. It may not be immediate, healing is a long and complicated process. Baby steps, you are doing great. And you don't have to do anything you aren't ready for, don't forget that.

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