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blue butterfly

Iam trying to be a survivor of alot of my past. I have told I am Bipolar, suicidle,. i hear and see things that are not there. I was rsped as achild and from the tiem i was 9 till i was 14. I was adopted when i was 5 years old, by my great Aunt and Uncle, which was a blessing for me, they tried to give me a good life. I couldnt tell them what was going on at the time because it was their precios grandson who was hurting me. I have an older sister by my adoption and I,love her dearly and i do consider her my sister but she is around 20 some years older than I.After our parents passed waay I told her what had happened to me, it has caused alot of problems in my life. I have been married several time sin my life in which i guess i always schose the wrong guy, i was verablyand sexually aboused by my husbands which I did Divorce.I do have a son that lives in michigan, which I have not see since he got married 12 years ago, his wife is very controlling, I also have a grandson who is 2 which Ive only seen pictures of. My son needs to stand up and be a man not a wimp, I raised him to be close to his family. I talk to my biological mother but dont see her very often, I have been finding out hings I did not know about when all of us kids were seperated. I dont understand some parents, I thoight they loved us, well I have found out differently. I have treis to commit suicde 2 times in my life, I ahve had 2 nervous breakdowns, I am to be on meds but cant afford them so I am trying to survive without them. it is very hard alotof times, I live with my brother whom has copd, he is only 55, i will be here for him till the very end
. I did not know him while I was growing up. He is a good man, he has been there for me when I tried to hurt myself. as children we were all abused in some way or the other by our sire, I cannot call him my father for he never was. my parents have both died and I miss them terribly. I have been in contact with my real sister we are so close, I am finding out we have alot in common, I miss her so much, she lives in georgia and I in ohio, times are rough for us both and have bee most our lives. i feel alone alot in my life even though I have a job and some family and some freinds, I am very cautious about whom I get close too, I dont feel I have alot of those people in my life.

today id another day and I feel so depressed, so aggravted, I try so hard to keep things clean and done up here and with little or no help, I went to do laundry which was to be done last night and found clothes in dryer, I cant handle that, there were dirty dishes in my sink, my kitchen is my biggest beef about being dirty. I feel so messed up inside today, i could just scream, althouhg id just give myself another migraine, I am the only one who works in the home, I dont expext my brother to do things, he cant, i worry aboit him all the time, but dang she could help out instead she took her kid to school came home went bk to bed and slept all day, even thee school was trying to call her, she expected my brother to anwser her phione, while she slept, bull crap.she is not here most of the time to help, i do laundry every time i have my 3 days off, clran house then she comes in and wants to know whats for supper, bull crap, i need me tiem, me time i am so frustrated today ar life all togehter, well today was areal rough day, i did do one thing great, we paid off my brothers truck, evne though it isnt running but no more payments, i had a rough time with my nerves and trying to help my sister understand what was gpoing on with her, i finally slept some today but had nightmares and that wasnt a good thing, I have thia freind that has serious condtion who is not trying, he is giving up, he needs to take a day at a time and realize he has freinds, i somey=times wonder if he wants a pity party, he has to want to keep going, I have my days too that I dont want to go but i keep going, it is very hard aklot of days, i have to stop and think of my famil, my brother and my sweet sister may need me, thta helps

may 1, 2009, I always thought you could trust your family but I found out different, I told my sister by adoption about a serios problem that happened to me for quite afew years and i told her in confidence, well I had a visitor where i work that confronted me about it, I was in shock and I really lost it, to come to my place of work and then to find out that she told her, I was in shock, upset, hurt and confused.it still bothers me so much, I have had alot of bad dreams about it all over again
. needless to say it weighs on my mind alot what happened to me while growing up and now this, life sucks
, then my other sister had a bad spell, I worry about her so much, she is going through a rough time, I am not close to help her and that bothers me. I can only pray she will pull out of this and be herself again. it has been a really rough week and half i had to have my brothers dog laid to rest, i tried taking her to a vet, and thye said she was a diabetic, had kidney disease, i put her in the hospital for 4 days and she seemed to improve and after a few days she was back to where she was before, i feel so terrible, my brother has lost his leiitle companion, i wish i was rich so i could have used all the money I had to make her well, but I AM NOT RICH AND FOR THAT I FEEL TERRIBLE, MY BROTHER REALLY DOSNET HAVE MUCH TO DO SINCE HE HAS COPD AND IS ON OXYGEON 24/7, he feels so lost right now i am going to try and find him a small breed female to raise and see if he can get some of his spunk back, I have been ill alot here lately i cannot hear very well my ears have fluid on them, i guess i am just a stupid person for even trying to take care of anyone when i cant take care of myself, here lately i really havent wanted to be around, i sometimes feel i am only here so i can work and pay the bills, life sure sucks,, aug 3 2009, been a rough first of the month, had a mini stroke which left my three fingers numb, the corner of my mouth numb, and my left eye fuzzy, they say it may come back, i sure hope so. they want me to start taking it easy, no stress, yeah right with the family and work I dont see it happening.nov 4 my sons birthday and i havent seen him since he was 18 he has a very busy life someday he will see that i wont be around. i really hate my life, my job and where i live, life just really sucks, i am a maid at home as well as work, therer are other people here . ...Read More

life sucks

Jun 06 2010

took a few days off work and for what being under the weather ,cleaning house and bieng alone, i have cried alotmi will get used to being alone most of the time, all i have is my dogs guess thats alotbetter than nothingm i feel i wasnt meant to be on this earth oher than to help when i can and be aklone the rest of the time, true friends are very hard to come by, especially when they us you and turn people gaisnt you and for what more lies, ohwell part of life, my life anyway, i should know better by now than trust anyone but my dogs.

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written by JonKing, June 06, 2010

Sweetheart I feel for you. My sister was bipolar. She seemed to have a similar story. She passed away 2 years ago from a heart attack. The only thing I can say to you, and I hope it helps some in the long run, is to stay positive. That is cliche' I know, but I mean it. Look for positive things in everything. Even pretend you are happy if it helps. Usually if you fake it long enough it seems to actually start helping.

My sister Kim used to let her past weigh on her, she did things she was ashamed of, and things were done to her that she was ashamed of. Please focus on the future! The terrible things that happened to you are over now, thank God. Leave them there in the past! You have value! I don't know if you have a faith, but I can tell you there is comfort in Jesus Christ. One of the things he said about this life: "In the world you will have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have
overcome the world" John 16:33

I highly recommend the Gospel of John in the New Testament. I will be praying for your happiness!