|Jan 30 2008|
Wow, what a crazy couple of days I've had. It has been too long since I wrote last and I made a goal to write at least four times a week. I want my kids and grandkids to be able to read my diaryand know what I was like and what I have been through. All night i have been stalling about writing, though, I dont know why. I know I need to get my thoughts and feelings out but sometimes writing feels like a chore. I would rather be chatting with people in the forums than focus on myself. Oh well, here goes nothing.
I had a fair week last week. I have just been so sick and I'm on so many meds that I can barely keep my head above water. I was counting all of the things that I take and do and was shocked to see that I take at least 25 pills, use two topical creams, and use a nasal spray every single day. And on top of that I have to get shots and an enema once a week. It could be worse, but i feel like a druggy. And my body really doesn't appreciate it, expecially my skin. I have open sores all over by back, chest, stomach, and arms. I seriously look like a meth addict, and I've never ever tried any illegal drugs in my life!!! lol
On Thursday i went to a Relief Society activity and we set some spiritual goals. It was nice to sit around with other women and talk about things we can do to improve ourselves. It was also nice to focus on the things that are really important. I think I am going to try to start going to institute classes again so I can continue to learn more about the gospel and stay close to the Spirit. I've really missed that, so I am excited to start again. Some of my other goals were to write in my diary at least 4 times a week and make sure to write at least one paragraph about my blessings, to try to go to the temple once a month and do work for the dead (something I have severely slacked on!), and remember to say my morning prayers. I am so grateful that i could go to this activity and recenter my life. Remind myself of what is really important.
After we finished discussing our goal we started chatting about the guys that we like. There were only five of us there so it was more of an intimate setting where we all trusted that what we said would be kept in that room. They asked me how I was dealing having Brett back in the ward and if I am ready to start dating. It was nice to be able to express my pain and my unwillingness to trust another guy at the moment. I guess if someone asked me out I would say yes but I am not looking for a relationship. It would be rude of me to get involved with another guy when I am not over Brett yet. I just cant figure out how the heck to get over him! MEN!!! :)
Also on Thursday my mom and I went to the family doctor to check out a foot that was bothering her. He said that he wanted to see me too so they snuck me in to the schedule and we stuck around for a while. When he saw me we filled him in on all of the stuff that I am currently doing with Marcy. It's so nice to have a doctor who really cares about me. He supports me in going to other doctors and he overlooks the big picture for me. He was quite impressed that in less than a month I had lost 11 pounds. I think he was more excited than I was. We also found out that my mom had tendonitis and that there wasn't a stress fracture like we had been thinking. YAY!
On another day last week, the fog is refusing to give me the day, we had an appointment with the chiropractor. We were ready early so we decided to stop at shopko and look around before going to the appointment. We managed to find the two things that we were looking for on sale. My mom got this little prelit Christmas tree in a pot that was originally $180 and we got it for $18. What a steel! As were were walking out I saw a nice bookshelf. We got it for less than half of the original price and I was finally able to get something to replace my poor little buckling shelf.
Well, the shelf sat in my room for a couple of days and I finally moved it into my closet this weekend. I got all of my books labeled and organized and in the process I reorganized my entire room. I have great self control with anything else, but once you get me cleaning i just cant stop! My mom helped me to organize my jewlery, rearange my closet, and get everything into its rightful place. I got it all done but I still have a huge pile of garbage sitting in my room and a pile of stuff for DI. Hopefully I will get that all put away tomorrow though. It took me all day to get my room done and it was purely exhausting! As soon as I was done i collapsed onto my bed and didn't move until it was time to get ready for bed! And boy did I feel it all the next day! lol
On Sunday, I woke up in extreme pain. When my dad came in to give me a kiss goodbye (he had military duty this weekend) he woke me up to make sure I was okay. I woke up and realized that I was sweating profusely, my face was drawn in pain, and I was clinging to my bed with my sheets bunched up in my fists. I could barely get out of bed, but I got up and went to church anyways. That probably wasn't the smartest thing to do but I really wanted to go take the sacrament and be somewhere other than home, the doctors office, or the pharmacy. I'm glad I went because the talks were all really good.
The first speaker talked about finding peace in your life. She said that the only way to find peace is to center your life around God. You gain the most peace and happiness by serving and focusing on the blessings that we have. The second speaker talked about how we are all children of God and he loves us all so much. I know that this is true and her testimony that God is with us whether we are flying high or are at rock bottom is true. The last speaker talked about our purpose for being here on this earth. He taught that "men are that they might have joy" and that God sent us here to be happy. I thought that was a great reminder that God isn't trying to torture us or make us suffer, but that those things are just a part of the process to gain eternal happiness. My testimony that God wants nothing more than for us to be happy was again renewed and I feel that I am going through all of this to possible show others that you can have lots of stuff wrong in your life and still be happy. I just love God and I feel his heavenly love for me with each breath that I take. He is all around me in the air that I breath, the flowers that I admire, the people around me, and he loves me so very much. How unbelievable!!!
After church we went home and I went and took a nap. I woke up in excrutiating pain and walked into the living room to find a half eaten pizza sitting out, and a movie about candy on. I was already so frustrated because I was in so much pain that I just couldn't handle it. I went down into the food storage room to see if there was anything that I could eat that might settle my aching tummy and I couldn't eat a single thing in that room. I started crying and then came to my room and just broke down.
Sometimes my family just doesn't get it. They kept asking what they could do and all I wanted was for somebody to have mercy on me and end my suffering. Of course none of them were up for that. A couple of minutes later my mom came in and snapped at me to get up and eat something. She was so mean to me. I hate being such a burden and an pain in the butt to my family. They always say that I'm not, but I have a hard time believing that.
I was sitting at the kitchen table already crying and my sister came up and said that our prophet, President Hinckley had passed away. I just started sobbing. I had always hoped that the second coming would come before he died and that I would never have to say goodbye to him. I know I will see him again someday and I'm so happy that he is with his wife again, but it just doesn't seem possible that anyone can do as good a job as he has. My favorite thing about him was that he somehow understood the youth. Even when our parents didn't get it, he always understood. It was amazing. He truly loved everybody and he emulated Christ in all that he did. I also loved his sense of humor and his cute little smile. I so much appreciate all that he did in his service and I will never forget him. He will always hold a special place in my heart and I'm so grateful now that i was able to take part in the Day of Celebration where we got to be in his presence. I cant wait to see him again some day soon! Now that that day is over i can look back and see that a lot of good came from it. You can have the best attitude in the world and still have of days, so I think it's okay that I had a temporary breakdown. I will just grow and learn from it, like with any other experience that we have.
Wow, what a blessing it is to have my faith and have such a strong relationship with God and my Savior Jesus Christ.
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