I finally listened to my psychiatrist and my general practitioner and quit my job. I'm about half happy and half gasping for breath. I cannot imagine not working! I wonder how I will handle beingat home. I know it is best for my health, but I'm just not used to it.

I've been going through the whole mixed episode, rapid cycling sort of thing. I'm not sure if I have my definitions right, I just know that I can go from happy to sad to excited to angry to death-oriented to quasi-peaceful to a crying jag within about 2 hours. Those emotions really don't go along with a steady job performance. I lost my job last June. It was a great, peaceful, relatively easy job. I'm still upset I lost it. But I can't blame my old boss: I couldn't perform, even at a simple job. My co-workers at that job, as well as my co-workers at the job I had until today have all been encouraging me to take care of my health and go home. That could sound mean, like they didn't want me around, but they were right. I can't handle it anymore.

I have 2 master's degrees and am working on a degree in between a master's and a doctorate. Numerous professors have told me that I am "serious Ph.D. material." That kind of makes me feel like I'm wasting my brain...only my brain is not only fairly smart, my brain is affected with bipolar disorder. (Not to say that being a SAHM I won't use my brain! Many women choose to stay home, and I truly respect that. But that's another topic.)

The clearest indication of how severe my bipolar has become can most clearly be seen by my academic work. I have had to drop out of my online classes for the last 3 semesters because I couldn't do the work. That has been the hardest thing. I am going to try to do one class this semester, but I fear I'm going to have to stop the online classes completely. Since I have created my identity based on academic success, I'm not sure how having to stop the classes will affect me.

I guess I'm having a little pity party, but that is what a diary is for!