Journal Entry #01 |
Mar 27 2012 |
I don't think anyone could stand me for who I really am.
People will try to love me but then grow tired of it.
No matter how hard they try...
....they just cant keep up with my constant mood swings.
I'm just too emotionally draining.
I complicate everything.
I can be the sweetest, or the most irritable.
I find it hard to trust. I sometimes feel too much.
Other times, I lose all feelings completely.
I can feel numb or too emotional.
I am creative sometimes, other times I can't do anything.
I trust strangers too easily. I am gullible.
I believe too easily yet I find I doubt everything.
I could be the light of the house...
...and then turn it into darkness.
I'm sure my friends will get tired of my depression.
That's why I avoid them when I feel like this.
I feel alone, but I guess I want to be alone.
If I weren't me, I wouldn't want to be with me either.
Not at a time like this, anyway.
The people close to me, who know me well enough...
I think they can stand me because I am good when I'm not like this.
I'm a nice, optimistic, outgoing, friendly, fun person when I'm "normal".
But for as long as I remember, there are periods of time when I clam up...
And just... shut myself out from the world.
...thinking of terrible things.
Is happiness a choice? Maybe. Maybe it is.
I do everything in my power to become a better person... and to be happy...
I tried hanging out with friends all the time doing crazy things.
I tried having a healthy relationship with someone who loves me...
I tried doing all my responsibilities and more...
I tried being at peace with my family and myself...
I tried reaching out to God, even....
I want to be that person who is happy.
I want to be happy.
But I'm not.
I can't ever be truly happy.
No matter how right things are around me.
Maybe people just need to accept that.
Maybe I just need to accept that....
Nothing will ever be enough.
People will try to love me but then grow tired of it.
No matter how hard they try...
....they just cant keep up with my constant mood swings.
I'm just too emotionally draining.
I complicate everything.
I can be the sweetest, or the most irritable.
I find it hard to trust. I sometimes feel too much.
Other times, I lose all feelings completely.
I can feel numb or too emotional.
I am creative sometimes, other times I can't do anything.
I trust strangers too easily. I am gullible.
I believe too easily yet I find I doubt everything.
I could be the light of the house...
...and then turn it into darkness.
I'm sure my friends will get tired of my depression.
That's why I avoid them when I feel like this.
I feel alone, but I guess I want to be alone.
If I weren't me, I wouldn't want to be with me either.
Not at a time like this, anyway.
The people close to me, who know me well enough...
I think they can stand me because I am good when I'm not like this.
I'm a nice, optimistic, outgoing, friendly, fun person when I'm "normal".
But for as long as I remember, there are periods of time when I clam up...
And just... shut myself out from the world.
...thinking of terrible things.
Is happiness a choice? Maybe. Maybe it is.
I do everything in my power to become a better person... and to be happy...
I tried hanging out with friends all the time doing crazy things.
I tried having a healthy relationship with someone who loves me...
I tried doing all my responsibilities and more...
I tried being at peace with my family and myself...
I tried reaching out to God, even....
I want to be that person who is happy.
I want to be happy.
But I'm not.
I can't ever be truly happy.
No matter how right things are around me.
Maybe people just need to accept that.
Maybe I just need to accept that....
Nothing will ever be enough.
Comments (1)
I hope so too... Thanks.
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