Battles of Heart and Mind

The other day, I spent 10 hours on a bus ride going to a remote province to see my dad... the source of most of my psychological problems... I almost did not want to go... but I forced myself to...

I knew I had to do it. Im 21 years old now and yet he still haunts me every single day of my life.

I thought that if I faced him I would be free... I went with my sister, who was very supportive of my confrontation with him... She was getting more and more worried for me by the day so she also thought that the sooner we get this over with... the better...

 I only spent maybe 2 hours with my dad... We got out of there as fast as we could... I guess. 

The moment I saw him, I felt terrible. Not because I hated him... but because I loved him... very much. This was the person my mother, whom I love very very much... had loved dearly enough to keep a secret so dreadful... even from herself... the reason why she couldn't even protect me... because she loved him more than anything else in the world...

...even more than she loved me.

And there he was in his 60's... with swollen knees, arms, and legs... The visit caught him by surprise. He was fighting back tears when he saw me... And in the few seconds that I saw him, my brain did not even think for a moment.

I immediately hugged him. I pitied him. Nobody cares about him now. And he's suffering... he's probably going to suffer for the rest of his life. My heart ached for him... He was still my father.

And then I remembered what I was there for... my mind put me back on track. My therapist told me that if I had a chance to see him, tell him everything... And I tried. I did... but some of it was too much.

I told him that everything that happened in the past still haunts me now... that I was too young to even know what was going on... that i tried so hard to understand but i never knew why he did what he did... it will never be understood by my brain... it took me years, when I was starting to be in my teens to understand what was happening... and  that was the only time I fought back... and I got sent away from him...

I told him that even after years and years of it being over... I still get scared of closing my eyes... of being in the dark... I sleep with my covers over me... I feel a presence always watching me... I cant sleep with the windows open... stuff like that... And I have trust issues... abandonment issues... the list goes on...

I told him he made me hate my mother for  not protecting me... but that I talked about it to my mom already... I went to visit her at the Garden of Peace... and let out all my hurt and pain for her... and made amends.

And I told him how hard it was for me to come see him... that my siblings hated him so much... and that I, the person he affected so much... I was the one who decided to forgive him... and it was so hard for me to do all these things. But im trying to because I wish so much to have a normal family who care for each other...

 He was supposed to be protecting me... and yet, he was the one who betrayed my trust... I told him how awful it was for me to see him live a double life... of doing secret things to me and preaching in church... I told him how  I learned to hate the people in church, thinking that they are all hypocrites like him... and like me... who pretend nothing's going on and nothing's wrong.. when everything was wrong.

When i know that everyone is just imperfect and we are all sinners... so I shouldnt judge people and just worship God.

I told him how unfeeling I can get but that I will try to overcome these things... all of these things because I dont want to live like this any longer. I just graduated... I have a new job... Things are looking bright for me and still it is being darkened by my past... I am desperate to move on and leave it all behind...

That's why I went to see him... I want to leave it all with him... I want to be free... I need to be free. I just dont know what to do anymore... If forgiving him is the step to heal and forget... then so be it.

I took out pieces of paper... where I have written every encounter I have experienced with him... all engraved in my mind... I wrote it all down a few years back.. and kept it hidden in my closet. I took it this trip and tore it to pieces in front of him... telling him that I remember everything... that writing it was no use because it was all in my head. But this time, I choose to forget...

Maybe it was the way he reacted that has left me this way... he said things like he was only weak... and that he didnt think he was doing anything bad at the time.. but when he thought about it later on, after a few years maybe... that's when he started to realize it as something bad... he said he was thankful that i decided to forgive him... that he somehow feels that his actions before have consequences like his family hating him... and his illnesses... 

By the end, he pronounced blessing to me. I guess that's the only time I felt my heart grow soft. Cause the whole time it felt like stone. It seemed like the way it always has, like he had no idea what effects he's had on me... what he's done to me.

He's only a man who made mistakes in life. Some of it more drastic than others... What he did to me... makes me feel that he is unforgivable... but I am not the judge. God is his judge... and I think he's already being punished anyway. Right now, he lives day by day on bed rest... probably nothing to do but reflect on his life and his sins. I dont even wanna think about it.

I dont know what to do... what else to do but to let go... In the book I read about forgiveness, it says there that what's left when you forgive is sadness... Maybe cause I know I cant hate him anymore... that I cant do anything to get even. But there's nothing I could ever do to get even.

Maybe i have lived with this for too long... that I almost feel incomplete without it. That's such a twisted way to think about it. But its the closest description of how I feel.

But whatever it is im feeling... i dont know it yet now... I just know for sure that i have to live my life.... start over... I have to move on from all these and stop letting the past control me...

On the way home... I threw the torn pieces of paper of all my experiences with him... I threw them all to the wind... in the remote province.. where no one would ever be able to read them or understand them... where they would become a part of the soil, the trees, the plants... the mud.... I threw them all away... and I as I left that place... I told myself that I would leave those memories with him....

I know this was the biggest step in my healing process... but... I also know it doesnt mean it stops here. There are effects I still have to live with... and Im still going to struggle against some of my fears... BUT I WILL OVERCOME THEM.

I WILL TRIUMPH AGAINST THIS. I believe in myself. I believe I can do this. I believe in the power of my God who would help me get through this... a God I still struggle to believe in... to have faith in... but still choose to hold onto... cause I have nothing else. When this is all over... I know that I would be living and just looking back without any regrets... thankful of the life I have been given... that made me the strong person I have become.

Until then, everyday is still a battle... but somehow, I feel like I've already won.