The Struggle Between Peace and Depression

I am going to push myself today. I am feeling the tug of depression deep in my soul. I am struggling to push forward when all I actually want is to be carried today. The legs don't want to ;cooperate with my ambition. My heart is speaking fast in a language that I don't want to listen to anymore. Heart be silenced and feet be moved. Going throughthe pain facing the outside. I argue with reality but it's futile. 

John 14:27

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

 December 1, 2009 

Depression and PDA (Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia) are similar in a sense but are not the same. They are two different struggles that may complicate the situation if a dual diagnosis is given. Depression is often diagnosed before PDA because one symptom is anxiety. It takes a while for a doctor to muddle through the symptom of anxiety before identifying PD (with or without Agoraphobia). PDA does not always have depression as a symptom. While Depression often has anxiety as a symptom. A person with PDA experiences panic in situations that a 'normal' (I use that term loosely) would not. The panic 'trigger' is difficult to identify, therefore, avoidant behavior is embraced in order to have control. Safety being of the upmost importance. Depression is a state of overwhelming feelings, hopelessness and despair. The anger sometimes does not surface but goes inward to cause an even more depressive state. Depression and PDA are similar in some ways, while different in others. The treatment is usually similar for both illnesses and that is why they are probably misdiagnosed. Can I have a "Whoop!Whoop!" for Cognitive Behavior Therapy!  

 June 19, 2010 

I heard a song today that was inspiring. It's a new group called "Wide Open Spaces" and the song is titled..'Undone'. What a song that represents my struggle. I looked for the lyrics but they havent been posted yet  

 July 29, 2010

Today I am dragging. It seems that the effects of Depression have tried to take hold of me. The strange thing is that the physical symptoms seem too much for me today. I am tired physically and mentally. I just want to sleep yet I force myself out. I am fighting the dizziness and nausea. I am a flat paved road today. Eyes on the road in the horizon....no ups and no downs...just a long flat paved road. Blah

 August 02, 2010

Well, the flat paved road seems to have run into some rain lately. Showers of tears have been covering my road making it difficult to function. Slipping and sliding, others watch helplessly and carry the burden of guilt. This creates the endless cycle of suffering. Guilt laid upon guilt sealed with the tears of hopelessness. How do you stop the cycle? The 'How To' isn't logical, is it? Then why does it seem so comforting? Why does it beckon me to create a solution, an end?

 September 13, 2010

The song that I keep listening to is from FFH called Undone: 

Open up wide, swallow down deep 
No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet 
The cancer inside stealing my sleep 
Night after night it keeps haunting me 
The secrets I keep 
Are tearing me up inside 
I try to hide and then I wonder why 
Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping 

Come undone, surrender is stronger 
I don’t need to be the hero tonight 
We all want love we all want honor 
Nobody wants to pay the asking price 

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride 
I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied 
I’m asking please, but I can see in your eyes 
You don’t need tears for alibis 
It’s true what they say 
Love must be blind 
It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side 
You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left you bleeding 

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight 

I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URFt8ceATRs&feature=related 
  

December 22, 2010

There are times that I just want to 'be'...not say a word. Stand in the rain and allow it to flow over me, cover me completely. Then I can realize and reaffirm who I am. Crazy? Maybe a bit, I choose to call it self-reflection. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZkd91HXng4 

M...ute 
E...xhausted 
L...anguishing 
A...mid 
N...eedless 
C...areless 
H...azards 
O...ne 
L...onely

Y...ear

 Written by Kitten on May 3, 2010

 May 3, 2010

 Sadness and Joy?! 

I am trying to turn my sadness into joy lately. The struggle that I have is that sadness has a tendency to overwhelm my joy. I am not happy with my current situation, but I do have joy within the midst of suffering, so: 

I shall let go of my expectations and embrace the love that comes my way. 
I will stop overthinking the choices of my life and cherish the sensitivity that I am beginning to feel. 
I shall turn my back on panic and turn toward acceptance of myself. 
I will refuse to give the terror a stronghold and take a stand to look it in the face. 

I shall stop running when someone gets past my defenses and welcome them with open arms. 

I will face my problems and one day, be whole again!

 That was the advice that I was given. Depression: the weight of the minds conviction where their should be none. Survivors of verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse can tell you that 'shame' infiltrates our thinking. We are shamed into acting and reacting to perceived threats. These threats are the strings that the abusers use to control us. At what point can we cut the string without another popping up? When another does come to our attention, why does it seem that we attached it ourselves? Double knotted by our ill equipped feelings. When we want to be free of the strings that motivate us, why does guilt prevent us from shouting out, "I don't deserve this! It is not my fault! I can make mistakes and move on!" 

Abuser: why do you choose to control others? Has anyone ever loved you? Can you accept that love or do you not believe anymore? Is your life so miserable that you want others to share in that misery? Why don't you choose life and love and compassion and goodness? Do you think that you are not worthy of forgiveness or do you lash out because you can not forgive yourself? 

Fake it til you Make it. Depression is the weight on my soul.  

April 30, 2012

 Here is comes again. The flood of emotion after a tough week. Death, illness, pain and tragedy are leading me into the depth. I watch, unable to stop it..or is it that I am unwilling? The tears push past the walls from deep within having broken the barrier of my own making.  Words seem to fail me except for these:

"I know You didn't bring me out here to drown; so why am I under ten feet of water and upside down? Barely surviving has become my purpose because I am so used to living underneath the surface."

Storm by Lifehouse

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QU6AhH2a1cU

 4/17/13

 I am struggling. Since we started discussing mothers and daughters and relationships...well, mine is fractured at best and held together with strips of duct tape. I have long since realized that my relationship with my mom was undeniably one sided. Her side. If I didn't do what she wanted then she would withhold her love, support and time from me or my children. If it wasn't a conversation that she liked or understood then she would make 'the face' with her head cocked to one side resting her face on her clenched fist. With the exception of her perfectly straight and manicured pointer finger stretched alongside her face. Literally pointing up to a judgmental face with disapproving eyes.  She wonders why I don't talk with her, asks if I am ok. No, Mom. I am not okay. I am feeling... anger. It's been a while. I guess it took a head cold that makes me feel like a puffer fish to let it ooze out of its hellish hole. It's better that it's out but I don't know what to do with it? What do I do with it?