automatic thoughts

i don't understand what is going on with me.  for the past 3 years i have been fine, even when i shouldn't have been.  i knew it was strange that i could never get emotional, nevercry, i was so numb that nothing touched me.  i think it must have been the hormones from my pregnancy and breastfeeding because i stopped breastfeeding my son around Christmas and now i am just falling apart.  i am imploding and ruining everything i have worked toward the past 2 years.  i am supposed to be stronger than this.  what kind of mother can i possibly be when my brain is so warped and i'm so out of touch with my emotions.  everything is false to me.  i have nothing.  i am empty.

all i want is to be a normal, productive person, but all i can ever seem to do is try for a little while and then i get to sick of it and myself.  it is just not who i am.  why can't i just love myself and stop thinking that i should be something else?

I am in constant conflict within my brain.  I don't even think i feel real emotions anymore.  i have become my own puppet and that is just sick.  how did i get to be in this place?  what am i supposed to do?