August 25

My friend and I used to joke about taking our "happy pills." We both took antidepressants (even the same brand). It was a joke between us, some levity that we were able to inject into a ratherserious problem. I had not been diagnosed with bipolar at that time... Doc was just treating me for depression and after being prescribed a very high dose of Zoloft, I was hypomanic for a while. I was having a great time. I drank pretty much every night, I was happy... life of the party. I had friends to hang out with, life seemed pretty good. It was not until I was properly diagnosed that I was able to look back on that time and see that I was way too on top of the world.

 Since slipping into this incredibly long and arduous  depression that I'm still battling today, I wish for those "on top of the world" days. My life now is the total opposite. I hate looking in mirrors because I don't recognize what I see. It's a terrible feeling. I have so much hurt and sadness now. I am alienated and lost. I will dig out eventually, but it's hard for me to see right now. I feel out of control and sad and, unfortunately, I seem to have misplaced my "happy pills."