I am getting no help what so ever! I think I could get better pain meds off the street. I pretty much had to beg for them to give me anything today and then they gave me methadone and it doesnt helpanyways! Now I dont go back for a week and a half so I get to suffer until then.

They are making me go to a shrink which is probably a good thing but I cant get in untill the end of July and honestly I am not sure if I will make it that long. I really want to cut myself to make myself feel better and its getting harder to fight it. Plus I have been thinking of ways to commit suicide that will be painless. I want to do it but the only reason I dont is because of my daughter. But honestly if the pain stays this bad I cant count on that as a reason anymore. She tells me all I do is yell at her and what not all the time anyway. I tell her that I am sorry and that I dont mean to but I can tell she doesnt believe me.

I went to work today right from the doctor and lasted 2 hours. I took 5 tylenol while I was there and even that didnt help. And that was after taking the methadone. But before I even asked to leave the HR rep called me in her office. It seems my so called friends all went to talk to her because they are worried about me. If they are so worried why dont they come and talk to me? Now I get to feel like an ass at work and have people who really could give a rats ass ask me "oh, are you ok?". So, after she had me bawling in her office I asked her if I could leave. Yes, I hurt like hell but at this point I looked like shit too! Gee thanks to my "friends".

I hate my life and wish I would get hit by a car or something! Now I get to have another week and a half of pain filled misery. Gee, I am going to be such a joy to be around. I am just going to quit talking to everyone so I dont spread my misery. Its not like I can hide it so I might as well stay at home as much as possible too. Leave only when I work.

If you saw me you can tell that all the light has left me! I used to be fun, used to have fun, used to enjoy stuff. There is nothing left to enjoy. Nothing but pain and sadness.