My mom is still in the hospital. She cant really talk now and the doctors say she may have to use one of those things you put over your throght and it sounds all mechanical to talk now. I just dontget it. Everything was fine untill the one doctor jammed the new treach down her throght. I think he messed something up down there.

Anyway, the reason I was writing was that I really miss calling my mom every morning. I did that every day around 7 or 8. I miss talking to her so much. Even when I go to see her its not the same. Yeah I always did the majority of talking but now she cant talk and has to write and I try to finish her sentances for her and I am sure it drives her nuts. Plus I really suck at reading lips so I dont even try because I never get it right.

I am just really praying that she will be able to talk again someday!

I set up my ride to my ect on monday. The van is picking me up at 7:00 and I dont need to be to the hospital untill 8:30. So, I am eather going to have a long drive or a long wait. No clue how I am getting home yet. Kind of a wait and see thing. There are 3 different people that may pick me up. We just call them when I am done, I have to sit there for a half hour anyways and that gives whoever time to come get me. I was worried about that but then a friend offered. My hubby may not be able to leave and my mom may be moving to the "home" at that time.

Checking myself into the hospital was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But It was also the smartest things I did. I knew I was in a bad spot and that things were only going to get worse. I mean I was already cutting again and a couple of people saw them. How was I going to keep hiding them and be able to feel them?

I Asked my husband to bring me to the hospital. I was there from Sunday untill Thursday. In that time I got two ECT treatments and it helped me tremendously!

So my game plan is next week I will have 3 more ECT's. One Monday, Wednesday, then my last one Friday. Then I will probably have one every two weeks for a bit. Then make our way back to once a month. I am also on Cymbalta and an anti anxiety medicine too.

I have a few goals I am working on but the mostly have to do with not getting too overwhelmed. And to remember that no matter how badly I want to I cant controll everything.

My mom is ok, still not talking the greatest. She just got moved out of the ICU yesterday. I am going to go visit her today. I tried to yesterday but I was a little sedated when we got there and wanted to leave because I was so tired.

Thanks everone for caring so much. I am really doing alot better now. I tell ya, its amazing what shock treatments can do for ya!

My whole family is mad and worried about me. I think I am going to have to check my self back into the hospital tonight because I guess I am having a full blown nervous breakdown. I am so scared all thetime and all I di is cry. I feel like I dont do anything right . I am cutting myself up and a really just want to splatter my brains all over my bathroom. So, I think its time to go. I hope my hubby will take me there. And that he understands.

My mom went back into the ICU last night with a temp of 104. They had to remove her treach and put a vent down her throght. I thought thats why we got the treach in the first place. I am so confused. She has multiple infections, and when her treach was in it slid into a "false passage" whatever that is! I think its fancy doctor talk for they fucked up!

I am at my breaking point, yelling at everyone including my dad, the staff whoever is in my range! I am tired mentally and physically! I wish I had the guts to slit my throght but I dont and I know that would cause more problems for everyone. So I am coping by cutting myself up and punching brick walls. I am having a breakdown and see this but we need to get my mother healthy first then we will work on me. I actually thought of having myself admitted as I was in the ER bathroom cutting up my legs. I cant do that now. I need to be there for my mom and my family. I will just do what I have to to get by.

That is an awesome sentance...hurry up and wait! That is all I seem to do lately. I have such anxiety but honestly I dont think they could give me strong enough drugs to calm me.

Dont get me wrong, I am VERY thankful that I still have my mom with me! I love her so much! Probably more now with everything she has gone through. I dont mean to complain all the time. It is just my only realease for now. We do have some fun while we are togeather. But most of the time we are trying to figure out whats going wrong. Trying to be the doctor ourselves. What choice do we have though somethimes. Lately it feels like we know more then they do.

I need to spend time with my family. Tonight I will go home for a while, my daughter wont be there because she is babysitting for the weekend. But she will be at my sisters which isnt far from my moms. I can go visit her!

I am spending the third night in a row at my mothers. We have had nothing but problems with her treach ever since she came home on monday it feels like. Today was the second day we had to go to theER and this time they did nothing! When we were there yesterday they replaced her treach with a bigger one and now she cant breath out of her mouth or nose and she cant talk. They say thats how it may have to be! Bullshit! I feel like we get a different story every time we talk to any doctor. We were so misinformed about the whole thing thats for sure! I had to walk out of the ER because I wanted to wail on the doctors face! I was shaking so bad. Tomorrow I guess we are taking her to a different doctor. I hope they figure it out. By the way she does breathe fine out of her treach so she is not in danger.

I have not seen my family more or less for 3 weeks. Sure I have seen them for a half hour here and there and I took my kid to see a band. I was home one weekend but that day I was selfish and spent most of it by myself, and ther rest of the time we did chores!

The reason I am here so much is for one right now I am the only one who has suctioned her. The nurse has not taught her the proper way yet and I am the only one who has cleaned her treach also. Hopefully the nurse makes it here before we have to go to the doctor appointment. Also with her unable to talk she shouldnt be by herself, My dad needs to work.

I am supposed to go back to work on monday but I am really starting to wonder if I should take a leave of absence. I guess I have to wait and see what happens tomorrow at the doctor then decide. If she is going to be unable to talk then I am going to I think.

The bad thing is that I have my own issues going on that I am not able to deal with right now eather. My pain is still tolerable thank god because I am doing more here then at home!

Thanks everyone for all your support! I really need it!

My mom is home and I am working harder then ever. I spent the night there last night because it felt like she had a blocage in her treach. Well come to find out the one she had in moved somehow andwasnt even in the right spot. So today we took her to the ER and they put a longer one in. So, I am on my way back because she wants me to spend the night is I am needed.

More later

My life is so consumed by my mother right now. I feel like she is all I ever talk about or think about. My time revolves around when I am going to the hospital, if I have to stop at her house.....

Well this weekend I took time out for me. Dont get me wrong, I still went and saw her. I just didnt stay as long as I normally would. I ended up feeling a little guilty last night because I left at 7:00 and she had to sit by herself but thats the time I told her I was leaving at when I got there.

She is probably coming home tomorrow. I have some work to do today at her house to prepare for that. I dont know why I am up so early this morning but I may just stay up. That way I can get that dont and make it to the hospital in time to be around when the doctors come in so I can here what they have to say with my own ears. We have alot of new equipment to get for her before she comes home and it would be nice to know when all that is coming.

My husband went out of town yesterday for work. He will be back late tuesday night. I hate when he is gone but truthfully right now it really doesnt matter. We only see each other at bed time. The funny thing is I woke up in the middle of the night to a much more crowded bed. my daughter and the dog were sleeping with me. Maybe thats why I am up so early!!

Last night was a blast! My daughter had so much fun seeing the band and wants to go again. They were great to her too! I bought her a shirt and she ended up with a guitar pick and a signed drum stick!

Today was a good day for a change. Yes I am exhausted but I only spent 2 hours at the hospital. And I finally worked a 4 hour shift! It has almost been two weeks since I have worked last. Plus to top it off I saw my mom walk around the nurses station without getting extreamly out of breath. That is the farthest I have seen her walk in probably a year! WOW!!! That made my day! Tonight I plan on sitting home and doing nothing. My husband is going out of town tomorrow only untill tuesday but I have barely seen him the way it is lately!

Finally, a night that I know I am going to have a good time. Life has been so stressfull and constantly buisy for me lately that I REALLY need this! I am going to see Hairball and its finally an allage show so I can take my daughter with. She has been wanting to come with for a long time. Hairball is a band that I go see alot. I still have a ton of stuff to do today but at least I know that I have something to look forward to tonight.

I am finally going to be able to clean at my moms today. I have a doctor appointment at 11:15 and her house is right by there so I am going to clean first then go to the doctor. After that I will go to the hospital. I told my dad I wont be there as long as usual because I need a break. Every time I get to the hospital lately he leaves to do what he needs to get done. Yesterday my mom said something to him and he said how he cant be everywhere at once, I told him how thats funny because I am expected to be. No one said anything about that.

When I went to leave the hospital for lunch yesterday my car wouldnt start. My battery and cable took a shit on me. So, I ended up at the hospital untill my husband got off of work. I was there for 9 hours yesterday! But my car is fixed now and I am going to have fun tonight!

There are not enough hours in the day. I am trying to get everything done before my mom gets out of the hospital and I havnt even been able to get to her house yet to start cleaning it. She likes me withher is what I am getting, so when I get to the hospital my dad leaves to go to work. I spent tuesday night with her at the hospital after she had her surgery because she was scared. I have barely seen my family. I am trying to plan something special for me and my daughter for tomorrow night. I hope that works out. I have just flat out told my husband to bear with me for the next few months and thanks for being so understanding and to let me know before he has an affir. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment to re check meds. I am very sore this morning but I didnt put on a new patch yesterday when I took off the old one because I am so afraid of my body becoming addicted to them. I guess right now it shouldnt matter as long as I am taking care of me. I have been trying to walk my dog every day. More to de stress then anything. My mom is doing good otherwise. I got to hear her talk yesterday. she sounds the same thank god! But I broke down yesterday on the way into work to stop in and say hi to people. It really hit me. MY MOM HAS A TREACH! I was bawling in the store for about 5 minutes then I felt better. Now I am in the process of being taught how to clean it an stuff. It doesnt seem to hard. I havnt learned how to suction it though yet. Alot on my plate.

Today has been a wierd day. I am trying to be as normal as possible, get back into my routine. After I found out that my mom wouldnt be having surgery today I called work to see if they had any hoursI could pick up but they didnt. So, I just ran some errands and went to the northwest CSP for a bit. After that I went and sat with my mom for about 4 hours. Today she seemed a little confused. I dont know how to explain it though. My dad thought so too. Her surgery is supposed to be tomorrow at 3:00pm. I hope it goes well. After all is said and done I will need to learn alot about cleaning it and taking care of her. I hope I can do it all. I feel like I am barely take care of myself. My poor family has barely seen me but they are being pretty good about that.

I am just so sad.

My mom got out of the ICU yesterday. She is now in what they call advanced care, its a step down from ICU. So thats good. She wants to get the treach done and that will be monday or tuesday. Its notas bad as the doctors made it sound. She will be able to talk and eat and everything. And she will come home 4-5 days after the surgery. Its nice to see her sitting up and whatnot.

I am going to change my hours at work and work evenings so I can be with her during the day. We may end up needing a nurse come in a couple days a week. We will just need to wait and see I guess.

I on the other hand am stressed to the hilt! I am exhausted, and not eating right. Most of the times I have been eating is because my dad has been making me. I think that will get better now that she isnt in ICU anymore. I am so depressed though and NOTHING is making me happy or making me feel better and that worries me. Yesterday was my birthday and it was the shittiest birthday I have ever had. The first thing I did in the morning was woke up and cut myself. Which my husband saw. I had been hiding them and he opened the showerdoor yesterday and caught me off gaurd. Only one of my friends that I talked to told me happy birthday and with my mom in the hospital it just wasnt fun. Not that anything is anymore. The one thing I really wanted to do my husband wouldnt. I wanted to go see the band I like. HAIRBALL. No chance in hell of getting him to go to that!!

I hate myself for feeling the way I do and being the way I am. My mom is in the hospital and I am thinking about me right now. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT!!!!!!!!!

I am out the door right now to the hospital. I am hoping that today will be a day of answers. I need to know where we are headed with this and how she is going to be and what the outlook is going to be........all that depends on how she is once they take her out of sedation. My hopes are high.

I just read what I wrote that day. I DID NOT MEAN IT!!!! I AM SORRY THAT I WROTE IT! I feel so guilty now! I just care about her so much and love her so much and want her around forever. This is goingto kill me. Am I a bad person for thinking this. The next morning was when she went into the hospital. I dont want her to die! I just meant that I dont want her to suffer or to be unhappy! I hope everyone knows that. I hate myself for even writing that. For even thinking that!

I am so physically and mentally drained I keep forgetting what day it is. I cant believe that it is only monday and that my mom only went into the hospital over a day ago.

Tomorrow they are goingto take her out of sedation and see how coherant she is and talk to her about the treach. It is totally her decision but she needs to be able to fully comprehend everything. We dont know how long she was out for before my dad found her so we are not sure if she is mentally ok or not. If she decides not to get it done she will die. I am not clear on how long it would be but thats what the out come will be. I am getting mixed messages from the doctors and nurses because one said that the breathing tube will never come out unless she gets the trech or just decides to go home but another told me something different. So its confusing.

I am sure my sister will be coming home tomorrow. My daughter is with her. They were on vacation. I have tried to be pretty honest with my daughter but have with held the out come because so far I am not sure what my mom will do.

I am sad and I miss my mom. I love her very much!

I have cried so much today there are no tears left to cry. I am so worried about my mom and hope she is comfortable. Seeing her with all those tubes was terrible for me. I love her so much and hopeshe knows that! I know that is the first thing I am going to tell her when she wakes up!

She went into the hospital at 2:30 this morning. My dad found her on her bedroom floor. Her co2 levels are way to high. They have her on a breathing machine and have her sedated. They may try to wake her up tomorrow. She may need a treach. That will be up to her but I dont see her doing it. I will support he no matter what she chooses. It is her life after all and I want what is left of it for her to be able to enjoy it as much as possible.

I love her so much and all I keep thinking is how I said to her yesterday that I hope smoking was worth it. I want to tell her I love her and that I know how hard it is to quit. I dont want to lose her

The morning is the worst time for me. I always call my mom first thing in the morning. Well this morning she was still sleeping so I ended up talking to my dad. He told me that he is letting her smokeas long as he is around. So she has been lying to me about that. I have told her before NOT to lye to me about that! It really pisses me off that she did. I dont want her smoking because thats what is killing her but I dont want her lying to me eather!

So here I sit now feeling guilty because I am mad at a termanally ill person. She says that smoking is the only thing that makes her happy. What about me and my sister, her grandchildren, her husband? Some times if that really is true I wish she would go soon then if thats all that is really making her happy because that is nothing to live for. But then I hate myself for even thinking that because I do not want my mom to die.

When it does happen I dont know how I am going to get through a day let alone an hour. It could happen today or it could be two years from now. I am so depressed about all of this I dont know what to do. I cant afford to see a councler. and I really have no one else to talk to. My husband really isnt that close to his mom so I dont think he understands. And I really dont have many friends any more who I feel I can confide in. And honestly I dont feel like my sister cares.

Well I hope I am able to pick my self up some today. I am supposed to go give blood in two hours. Then I am supposed to stop at my moms. I may go to the gym on the way home but I doubt it. I just dont have the energy for it today.

I am almost 34 years old and my mom is dying from emphasima. She is really getting sick now and I dont know how to deal with it. I tend to get really stressed about it and get myself sick over it. my depression is coming back, because of other things too. Plus I am getting stomach issues from all this.

I am a little angry right now because I wrote all this and it didnt save and it was alot better because it was fast and from the heart. Now I am sitting here trying to remember what I wrote.

My mom has lived two years longer then they expected her to. She told me that today but I already knew that. I get really worried about her because she is now dropping stuff alot including very hot coffee. Plus she falls asleep alot and she still smokes sometimes so I get scared that she is going to burn down the house.

I love my mom so much and want to keep her around as long as possible. I am just getting so depressed about all of this and dont have any idea how I am supposed to deal with this. All I have done for the past two days is sleep, cry, and lay in bed for the most of it. Thats what I feel like doing now. I am going to try and do something productive.

I just wish I could deal better instead of making myself sick and yelling at my dad all the time. Then I just end up feeling guilty and get sicker. I just dont know what to do. I am not ready for this, That is the whole problem.

I woke up this morning in alot of pain. I had to take off my fentanyl patch yesterday because it was making me sleep all day again which probably means it is going to stop working for me again. Thatswhat happened last time on the lower dose. I slept about 6 hours during the day yesterday and 12 hours last night. Not normal. Thank god yesterday and today are days off for me. I dont really know what I should do. Do I put a new patch on today because I was supposed to anyways and see if the same thing happens or try to tough it out? I guess I need to wake up more first and then see.

My one friend did call me again yesterday and realizes that things werent right in here head and she went to the hospital. I was happy to hear that. I was surprised that they didnt keep her though. They just put her on new meds and sent her home. I hope they help her quickly because I guess she has been telling people aroung her apartment thet her husband has been abusing her and worse. I hope she gets better.

I am feeling more depressed. I know it takes a long time for cymbalta to work but I am so worried that it wont for me. I just dont have fun like I use to and nothing is interesting anymore and its getting harder for me to read my books and that is something I love to do. I still have a month and a half untill I see my psychiatrist!

It is a grey day outside. I am physically not feeling really well. I have a tummy ache, and my mind is sad. It still bothers me about what my friend had to say and the fact that I dont have many friendsany more. Plus when I called my mom this morning she sounds really sad too even though if she was she would be the last to admit it. Plus she sounded kind of confused to me which is becoming more of the norm lately.

I already talked to my doctor this morning. He is upping my lyrica to 100mg 3x a day I guess. I hope it helps. Otherwise I will have to go back in two weeks to get more patches. I will need to do another test first to see if it is working or not before I go back in.

I am going to try and get motivated enough to go to the gym today. Plus I am going to go to the northwest csp this afternoon. As long as I can get motivated. But first I am going to go back to bed. I am tired!

I had a friend that I met in the hospital on one of my many suicide stays decide that she doesnt want to be my friend anymore. At least she let me know this today. We have been friends for at least8 years and been through alot toghether.

I guess maybe its better this way because in the long run she has been frustrating me alot in the past 6 months but I was still willing to stay by her side. I saw that she wasnt able to take care of herself or manager her own money and probably will never be able too. But what happened today I never say coming. She said that I drugged her when we went to a movie about 6 years ago. (which by the way I didnt) I am guessing she is in the middle of a break down or something. I told her husband that she needs to go to the hospital and get checked out because she is not ok. And he actually told me that she is just fine they had her checked last week.

I am worried about her but I guess it is out of my hands. He is not concerned at all and I cant remember any of her family members names. He tried to call me back after he repeatedly kept hanging up on me and I didnt even say hello, I just said dont ever call my fucking house again! I realize she is not well right now. But I dont need to deal with it. When I was calling back he said he was going to call the cops on me for harassment.

I am just really sad now. I really dont have any friends anymore it seems like. I have one true friend that I tell almost everything to but I am lucky if I even talk to her once a week anymore or see her 4 times a year. And the rest only call one they have nothing better to do or need a place to party or a ride somewhere.

I am lonely and I want people to hang out with that are my age and like me for me. Now I am really getting down because no one does. Thank god for books and tv.

So, saturday night I ended up having some friends come over. Needless to say I got drunk and somehow or another hit my head. I have a little bruise on my forehead. Couldnt tell you how though. I dont drink too often now because I know I shouldnt on my meds. I layed around and did absolutly nothing yesterday and now today I am really depressed. Hopefully that will be gone tomorrow. I didnt sleep well last night sence I layed in bed all day and I am really tired now bet napping will just give me the same broblem I had last night. Hopefully its a lesson learned for next time.

Well, I guess I do think the lyrica is helping some. I am not positive though because I have been taking vicoden for pain today and when I am wearing the fentanyl patches I dont use it. So, maybe tomorrowI will try not to use that.

I did alot today and my pain so far still stayed at about a five besides the fact that I got sunburnt! I mowed the lawn and did some gardening. Plus I emptied out this little pond we have so I can clean it out hopefully tomorrow. It was starting to stink.

So, it may really come down to how I am feeling tomorrow. I dont know. I just know that I wont be getting vicodin anymore, at least from that doctor. This was my last refill. Right now I am just seeing my family doctor untill we figure out what to do with me.

So, more tomorrow I guess.  :-)

I had a jewelry party a couple of weeks ago. My friend started selling it through Premier Design and I was her very first party. Well to start off with she didnt do very well but that is ok. Well 2people ordered $300.00 worth of stuff and I picked out what I wanted and told her to let me know what my "hostess benifits" were and how much I owed her. Well a week and a half later she tells me I get $150.00 worth of free jewelry. I had only picked out $60.00 worth of stuff so I went right over to her house and picked out the rest.

Well the next day she tells me that it may be a while before we get our jewelry. Everyone but me who ordered payed her on the night of the party. I payed her when I picked out the rest of my stuff which was only $10.00 for shipping and tax.

So, she has a special premier design credit card she has to use to order with and it is maxed out. I told her to at least pay what they payed her to the card and order my stuff later because mine was free. She cant because the money is gone!!! Her checking account was overdrawn and she deposited the checks and of corse they went for the overdraft fees she had!

I honestly dont know how she is going to get out of this mess. I am going to wait about a month and then I might contact the person above her. I have met her at other jewelry parties and am pretty sure someone still has her number. UNBELIEVIBLE!!!!

I dont know fore sure what to do because she is supposed to be my friend. I say supposed to because lately I feel like she isnt treating me the greatest and she is so into her own life no one else ever matters.

I did tell one of the ladies who ordered that it might take a while for us to get our stuff. I just said there was some sort of problem. She did ask me if she spent her money and I said that all I knew was it could take a bit. She wants to put a stop payment on her check. She said she has other stuff $200.00 could go to rather than jewelry if its going to take forever to get it. The other lady I havnt seen yet. I dont feel like I am the one who should be saying anything but I dont think she will.

Here is the last thing. I know of one other person that is having a party on june 14. I am tempted to tell them to cancel or something. Just some sort of heads up on what happened to me. The only problem with that is we all work together.

I guess its out of my hands.