|Jun 02 2012|
I just clicked into mdjunction and found my husband's new mdjunction profile open. Obviously he found the link saved in my favorites. Obviously he's read all my entries. I feel like screamingor crying or throwing up or running out the door or all of the above. Yes I'm an adult and I realize that I don't own this corner of the internet and well, maybe it COULD be good that he's looking for support. But that's not what he's doing. He's spying and he's using his profile to further his self pity campaign. PUKE! His fucking profile is just blah blah blah poor me, why is this disease so hard, puke puke puke. Um, hey...it wouldn't be so fucking hard if you were dedicated to being well. Dedicated to finding out about your disease and what you can do to treat it. Dedicated to medication and therapy. Dedicated to a diet that would benefit you. But nope. Not you. No you dick around and half ass everything and when it's too much effort you don't do it. Fucker. You've never even bothered to read a single book about BP. All you do is use your dianosis as a free pass for being an abusive douchebag.
Shame on me for saving the link in my favorites. I know you go through my purse, my phone, the van, my pockets, my Nook library, my facebook page...constantly spying. You're the one who screwed other men but you fucking obsess about what I'm doing. I know you cheat and I don't put effort into it anymore. I just assume you're doing it. No need to catch you. I figure Karma will catch you when she's ready. But...I should have known better. I needed just one little sliver of space, even if it was cyberspace, to plant my feet and have as a safe place. I needed a place to vent, come unhitched, let go of the hurt and anger and get support. I needed it like I need to breathe. I should have known you'd be this dedicated in your efforts to suffocate me. Everywhere I turn you're coming down on me like a ton of shit. You go on and on about how you don't want me to leave but FUCK! You won't allow me an ounce of happiness. My happiness threatens you so you cover all the bases and make sure I don't feel safe anywhere. Damn you. If you were coming at me with a knife in your hand you wouldn't be chasing me out the door any faster than you are now.
I hate this. I need support and this group helped. Right now I feel violated and defeated and hopeless. I hate this.
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