"All I can say is that my life is pretty plain..."

Did I not write in my diary yesterday?!?  Shit, what a let down... I've been trying to just keep track of myself everyday, especially since I'm on the meds now... which in all honesty the more I think about it the less excited I am about it

 The Lithium has made me sick. My stomach, my head, everything.  Suffice to say I am not a fan right now.  

I wish I knew where on the spectrum of BP I lie.  Or I should say I'm wondering how extreme my BP is...  I feel like I'm pretty out there.  It's funny to me though because most people I talk to are surprised with how "functional" I am but i think that's because i keep a lot of stuff behind closed doors.  I have said for a long time that i live in "Hannah World" and it's not because I'm self centered (because I really don't feel that way, I would run myself ragged for a friend who needs me) I just have a lot difficulty relating to the rest of the world...

 My thoughts are deep, emotional, and all over the place.  I can't really ever articulate them clearly to anyone but myself so it kind of forces me inward... if that makes sense.  It's hard for me to really let someone in because I am so hard to relate to.  I am intense (both "up" and "down") and i think most people don't jive with that.

I feel like everyone is always trying to put things in a box... but with BP nothing is boxed.  Everything is always in flux.  You're not sure where you are going to be from one moment to the next so the way you orienate your life is radically different then those around you...

Ha ha man all of this writing I am doing makes me want to write a book.  I wonder if anyone would be interested in reading a book by a thoughtful Bipolar young girl?  Ha ha I really doubt so.  I know I would because i think we have some very valuable insight into the world we live in...

We are constantly strangers... even to those closest to us because they don't understand HOW our brain functions... it's one of those things that can never really be shared...

But what do I know?  I found out i was BP 4 days ago or so, so I suppose I'm very nieve to the subject.  But I've lived with BP for years without knowing what it was and I suppose I'm just recalling how I've felt, before and after this came to light...

I'm so manic write now so I'll probably write more later... but for now I think I'll leave my diary with the some what ambiguous thesis about the ambiguity and disassociation that presents itself particularly in this Disease... maybe for everyone.... but all I know is what i experience and my perception and my perception is that of someone who lives there life with emotions and extremes.... what an abstract way to be..