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AMaya I've lost as of Sunday 7/18, a total of 28lbs in 6 weeks & I'm feeling BETTER & BETTER each day!

Venting to my diary

Jan 22 2010

OMG I'm hurting like hell today.  Worst its been in a while.  Both ears are at it too and I can't move my neck or my back. My knees are swollen and hurt so bad I can barely walk.  Only 1 day out this week/Wed. and I'm still paying for it and its not getting any better.  I wanna whine!  There is not one thing on me that doesn't hurt!  Makes me want to scream, but its taking my breath away.  I try to be careful and not push myself too far.  I didn't think I did.  2 days down now.  Makes me want drug up and drift away.  Nobody would notice.  Its on days like this when its so hard to keep up the positive attitude.  The more I'm hurting the more scared I'm getting.  I really don't understand what's happening to this life of mine.  Chyna & Boodah help, but I end up feeling so guilty for not taking them out for a walks or play on days like this.  I did take them yesterday though.  2,437 steps.  But still,  I think I bore my dogs.  And that makes me feel horrible too.

I watch all these young people having so much ahead of them.  So many roads to take and how fun for them.  Then, I look at me.  Sometimes I feel like its over anyway and there's no hope I'll ever know what love really feels like to receive.   

 I have a grand total of 3 people in my life.  My oldest BFF and my Niece.  They live 3000 miles away and I can only talk with them after 11pm their time or weekends, which means never & luckily I have my here BFF, but she doesn't have a phone.  They are great, but don't understand.  If something happened to me, it would be very likely nobody would find out for at least quite a few days, if not longer.  Can't talk about that to anyone either.

I hate this ya'll.  Days like this, all I think about is that I have a car and I have a garage and they're both directly under my bedroom.  How easy.  Nobody else would understand but ya'll.  I feel like this life of mine is too far gone and to destroyed to find any way at this point to salvage it.   I want to, but I just can't do this any more.  This life of mine doesn't really seem to mean a hill of beans.  I thought maybe if I reached out on the internet that something would come of it.  Something?  ha! I don't even think my skyraise page has even been viewed.  I've been working my butt off trying to figure out how to sell my art & yarns, but with this stupid fog brain........ you know.  Nobody seems to want my stuff anyway.  I'm so tired of hearing - oh, your work is so pretty/bla bla bla.  If my work is so pretty than why doesn't anyone want to buy it?  

 Freak'n feel like I'm bipolar or something.  Damn rollercoaster of pain.  

How in the world am I going to support myself.  I've only got about a month left before the ex stops helping me pay the bills.  Just did my budget and I'm -$200 a month and when he stops helping me, I'll be -2,500 a month.  The market is so bad I can't sell my house for enough to even pay the mortgage off.  And, I'm no better off than I was in August when I found out ex wasn't coming back.  Yep, dumped, just like the trash!  

I'm gonna get off the computer now.  


Previous diary posts by AMaya:
Comments (5)Add Comment
written by faerie, January 22, 2010
Oh Sweetheart,

I sooo know how you feel. I want a vet to come and put me down (less messy than that whole car thing! Do you want to join me? Maybe we will get a group rate? Not that either of us could pay him - - but we won't be around to worry when the cheque bounces.

I too have never been a worse position. Physically, mentally, financially!
My world is crashes so badly that I can't breath!

I would cope with the whole situation if I only had me to look after. I am just too tired to care what happens to me. BUT (always a but in this life isn't there) that is not the case.

I wish I had wonderful words of encouragement for you darling. I usually do - - but right now it is a case of the blind leading the blind.

So just wanted to say - - - for what it is worth that I really do understand how you are feeling. I am sooo sorry - and I wish I had a magic wand.

Lots and lots of gentle hugs and much love

written by Muffinmom, January 30, 2010

Just read your post. Let me know how u r doing. Things always seem worst when we are 1) tired and 2) in pain. Have u ever actually been diagnosed with anything? Please let me know what u have been dxed with and also what u think ur health problems might be. smilies/smiley.gif
written by AMaya, January 30, 2010
haven't posted in a few days. Thank you for caring!!! I'm trying to figure things out. Up and down sometimes like a yoyo. I've got a lot on my plate and I'm trying to figure out how to handle it all or just give in and simply flow like water????. Thank you for asking. I really do appreciate it. Yea, I've been "diagnosed". I've been trying to get doctors to listen and try to understand for over 40 years. I have my theories. But with every decade comes a new diagnoses that doctors concur on from epstein barr, to cfs, depression, migraines, hypothyroid, fm, osteoarthritis, high blood pressure (which I'm happy to announce thursday was 147/80 = that's fantastic so I feel better from that). Right now I'm trying to get tested for xmrv retrovirus. This is something I have felt was going on in this body this entire time, from the very start. So even though there isn't a cure yet for the XMRV, now I can understand what's going on with my body and why. It all makes sense now and all of these pieces fit. Now I just have to figure out where I fit, with this and how to deal with it all. Trying My Best To Flow Like Water! Blessings & Hugs!
written by AMaya, January 30, 2010
Oh, how could I forget ... PTSD! I guess I'm coocoo for cocopuffs! shhhh! I make jokes cuz I have to laugh, when every something of my past comes up its referred to as PTSD cause # ?????
written by AMaya, January 30, 2010
Oh, OCD too! Funny! I've been diagnosed with so many letters ... I get foggy! HEHEHEHEHE! Okay, that should get a good round of laughs. hehe In any case, I'm a mess! But I get a lot of whys now. I've been blogging some about it at my website, Like I said before, the puzzle pieces have been falling into place a LOT lately and its all pseudo starting to come together, even though I still don't have a clue what to do financially. So all of me's can try to play nicer now so we can figure it out. hehehehehe
Blessings & Hugs

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