|Jan 22 2010|
OMG I'm hurting like hell today. Worst its been in a while. Both ears are at it too and I can't move my neck or my back. My knees are swollen and hurt so bad I can barely walk. Only 1 day out this week/Wed. and I'm still paying for it and its not getting any better. I wanna whine! There is not one thing on me that doesn't hurt! Makes me want to scream, but its taking my breath away. I try to be careful and not push myself too far. I didn't think I did. 2 days down now. Makes me want drug up and drift away. Nobody would notice. Its on days like this when its so hard to keep up the positive attitude. The more I'm hurting the more scared I'm getting. I really don't understand what's happening to this life of mine. Chyna & Boodah help, but I end up feeling so guilty for not taking them out for a walks or play on days like this. I did take them yesterday though. 2,437 steps. But still, I think I bore my dogs. And that makes me feel horrible too.
I watch all these young people having so much ahead of them. So many roads to take and how fun for them. Then, I look at me. Sometimes I feel like its over anyway and there's no hope I'll ever know what love really feels like to receive.
I have a grand total of 3 people in my life. My oldest BFF and my Niece. They live 3000 miles away and I can only talk with them after 11pm their time or weekends, which means never & luckily I have my here BFF, but she doesn't have a phone. They are great, but don't understand. If something happened to me, it would be very likely nobody would find out for at least quite a few days, if not longer. Can't talk about that to anyone either.
I hate this ya'll. Days like this, all I think about is that I have a car and I have a garage and they're both directly under my bedroom. How easy. Nobody else would understand but ya'll. I feel like this life of mine is too far gone and to destroyed to find any way at this point to salvage it. I want to, but I just can't do this any more. This life of mine doesn't really seem to mean a hill of beans. I thought maybe if I reached out on the internet that something would come of it. Something? ha! I don't even think my skyraise page has even been viewed. I've been working my butt off trying to figure out how to sell my art & yarns, but with this stupid fog brain........ you know. Nobody seems to want my stuff anyway. I'm so tired of hearing - oh, your work is so pretty/bla bla bla. If my work is so pretty than why doesn't anyone want to buy it?
Freak'n feel like I'm bipolar or something. Damn rollercoaster of pain.
How in the world am I going to support myself. I've only got about a month left before the ex stops helping me pay the bills. Just did my budget and I'm -$200 a month and when he stops helping me, I'll be -2,500 a month. The market is so bad I can't sell my house for enough to even pay the mortgage off. And, I'm no better off than I was in August when I found out ex wasn't coming back. Yep, dumped, just like the trash!
I'm gonna get off the computer now.
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