Adventures of the Unknown

Yesterday I was pretty tired, slept on and off most of the day, when I wasn't sleeping I was watching programming videos and crocheting. My sister has a booth at a craft fair that she is doing and it is every sunday from now until fall, she said if I wanted to make anything she would try to sell it for me. So yesterday I just crocheted some little squares to make magnets from. I've been having a alot of troubles with my hands lately so I can't do anything big or time consuming right now. I can only do a little at a time. I hope at some point that changes because right now it's one of the very few things I have left that I enjoy.

I went to bed at 8 last night and when I woke up at 4:30 I thought for sure it was 1 or 2 so I was relieved that it was later because that means I slept well.. I feel like I did anyway which is good because I wasn't sure that I would be able to go to work today but I think I will be ok.

I have my pool and physical therapy eval today at 2. I am really hopeful this helps me and allows me to be more active again. I am tired of not doing anything either because of pain or for fear of being in pain. Either way it doesn't matter if I do or don't do anything because sooner or later I still have to deal with the pain.

I can't help but wonder to what extent deformity of joints can occur, everyday that passes I see more and more deformity. Can your knees get joint deformity? I noticed a large bulge on the left side of my left knee this morning. I thought maybe it was just swelling at first but it feels hard like bone and it only bulges when my knee is bent but I don't have the same on the other side.  Can your toes get deformed as well? My toes are starting to look funny too. Maybe I am just seeing things. I don't know what to think anymore.

Sometimes I feel bad about how concerned I am about the deformity and changes occurring, I wonder if it makes me seem like all I care about is my physical appearance. It is partially a vainity thing I suppose but when you are so used to looking a certain way and then all of a sudden over a few months all of that starts to change it is scary. I worry mostly about how I am going to be able to function if my fingers don't work and what if it causes other things to not work properly. I suppose I will manage to find ways and other things to do and appreciate. I just haven't figured out how. It's hard to not know just how bad things can and may get. I try not to focus on that but there is so much at stake and I just wish I could plan instead of wait to see.

I have been studying alot, watching videos and doing exercises, that has been a really wonderful distraction. I could smack myself for letting this disease take so much control and getting behind. The nice thing about it is that it is one thing I can still do that doesn't require much except for light hand use and my mind. Its relaxing and I almost forgot how much I really enjoy it. I would like to get my certs upgraded so I am going to focus on that. I'd also like to get a new cert in Oracle since our new warehouse coming out in september is going to be Oracle based.

I spent the whole day yesterday (well when I wasn't napping) watching a course. It wasn't one that required me to do anything but watch and listen so I was able to crochet while I was doing it. Killed 2 birds with one stone LOL My hubby was driving me coo coo though because he kept coming in and telling me to turn a tv show on because it was really funny but I'm not much of a tv person and I was trying to concentrate on what I was doing, It was making me even more crazy that he knows these things, I mean we've been married for almost 19 years .. he should know these things LOL I know for sure he knows I'm not a tv person LOL Ya gotta love'em tho!

He was cracking me up though, it always makes me giggle when I hear him out there cracking up because he has a great laugh. He is a tv person .. and he loves comedy stuff.

Well, I can't really think of anything else to yap about at the moment so I guess I will wrap it up and get ready for work. Wish me luck with PT. :o) *hugs*