|Dec 03 2009|
Wow, god knows i try in every aspect of my life. i try to make my boyfriend happy. i try to do well in school. i try to work. well, after ignoring me all day yesterday, brandon finally sent me a longangry text about me texting him the night before about him being rude and inconsiderate and how i didn't want to wait arounnd until 2 in the morning for him to let me know if i was going over there or not. So, because im such a bitch, and hard to deal with, he isn't going to have anything to do with me until after he takes the lsat on saturday. he said he can't risk having to stress out about me. because i had complained the night before. wow. really, wow. i keep my mouth shut about so many things. i geniunly try, hard, to make him happy. so after an hour of texting, since he refused to actually talk to me on the phone, we ended up no where. im such a 'bad girlfriend' that i dont deserve to be talked to for 3 days. he claims over and over again that i am unsupportive. unsupportive? i am always fucking supportive of him. i always tell him how proud i am for studying so hard for the lsat, give him his space, dont say anything about the fact that we never do anything because hes studying, about the fact that he ignores me until he feels like answering me. and im unsupprtive. wow, he has never been supportive. you didn't see me claiming he was unsupportive of me for dropping all this shit in my lap when i have to get up early in the morning to work, turn in a paper and have an exam. his response to this was that its just an exam, he had 1000 of those in college, and his lsat is more important because he only gets one more chance. wow. really. i dont deserve that. he obviously doesn't love me. you don't ignore the people you love until its convenient for you. he wont tell me he loves me. never has. i said it to him last night, that i would never act that way towards someone i loved, and he wouldn't answer. he says, dont worry, i still like you. Oh, thanks!!! after 10 months of me giving my entire self to him, he likes me. ugh. so, i get up, go to work, eventually get it off mymind once we start to get busy. so, everyone came into cinco for lunch pretty much at the same time, the restaurant filled up within an hour, or less. the food was slow, a lot of it was wrong, and all my tables were unhappy. i was fucking busting my ass, i mean running around, trying to make up for the kitchen. i make a little bit of money. but oh no, of course things can't go my way. my book was sitting at the server station because i couldnt fit it in my pocket because i had 4 other books in my pocket with checks in it. and low and behold, someone steals all the money out of my book. 50 dollars. they leave the signed credit card checks that were in there, but took the 50. So, now i owe that money to the restaurant. so instead of coming away with any money at all, after working as hard as possible all day, and may i say i did a good job. some fucking asshole took the money out of my book, and it had to of been someone that worked there, no guest is going to go up to the server station that is filled with servers and take it. so i payed the restaurant 13$ out of my pocket, and then had no money to tip our the essays, food runners and the bar. i was trying to fucking hard to hold it together. i wanted to cry, i kept almoght tearing up.i just kept a straight face, tried to work it out without losing it. the managers culdnt do anything about the money i had stolen, except to say they will try to figure out who did it. god damnit. so, not only am i not good enough and well behaved enough for my boyfriend that is ungiving and selfish, im taken advantage of at work. im so low feeling. i finally made it to my car after getting cut from work and made it all the way to the car beefore i starting crying. i mean, come on, can't life give me a break? a little one? i dot want to go to school and turn in my paper, i just want to get high, or take a seroquel and just go to sleep. i haven't gone 3 days without talking to brandon since i started dating him. so i don't know what to do. im going to miss him and want to talk to him, see him. but i dont get to, and what am i supposed to do when he decides that he can take the 'risk' to talk to me on saturday, be like hey baby, missed you. thats what i will want to do, but i can't do that. i can't just be like hey no problem thats totally acceptable im here whenever you feel like paying aattention to me. if he doesn't love me now, he never will. im not sure why he wont say it to me. i just assumed the whole time that he did love me, because... i feel like he does, but for some reason he can't say it. i know hes weird and obviously has issues commiting and having a relationship. our relationship has lasted much longer than i thought it would, because of the sacrifices i have made. no one appreciates me, or give me unconditional love. ive never had anything unconditionally. my parents are only pleased with me when im doing things right, and when im not, imthe devil, and taking medicine for being bipolar so obviously everything must be my fault. and, obviously, i don't get any unconditional anything from my boyfriend, its always been on his schedule, but.. this is the worst yet. the worst. i just don't know what to do with myself. i sent him a text saying thast i wasn't going to consider us together this weekend. obviously, that means that i would consider hooking up with someone else. but im not even sure i could do that, i love him.. regardless or whether or not he deserves it. i dont know what to do tonight. i will be done with school at 6:30. i cannot sit at home and sulk all night, i will hae to go out., which of course always has to involve drinking, ebcause who would go out to do anything else? not around here. fuck my life.
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