\*_a long story_*/

So, i didn't wake up in a great mood. i didn't really do anything last night, i waited for brandon all night, and he just ignored me.  It was great.  Ugh.  So, i  came homethis morning, said hi to my parents and started to make a sammich. I'm just sitting there minding my own business and my dad sits there and starts picking on me about my laundry.  I'm like... really? I ask why he is treating me like a kid when im 23.  His response was, well im 73 and i can tell you what to do or you won't get your allowance.  I guess this is my fault, for needing an allowance because i can't support myself.  But, how ridiculous is that.  I'm being controlled like im 15.  I couldn't stand it when im 15, how am i supposed to feel now that im adult and still being bossed around like a child? that is one of my biggest trigger and they know it, but continue to do it anyways. So i get angry, im yelling how im just trying to make a fucking sandwhich and to leave me alone, but no, they wont. they sit there and tell me that my dog doesn't like me when im like that and they call her over to the couch and cuddle with her.  mother fuckers if i could go over there and rip my moms hair out and punch my dad in the face without getting kicked out or the cops called on me i would.  so i finish making my sandwich even though im about to throw it against the wall int he middle of making it, i grab it, something to drink, take the dog and go to the barn.  I'm getting emotional now just talking about it.  It drives me crazy i feel so trapped and treated unfair and controlled and theres nothing i can do about it.  The only thing i can do is to tell my dad i don't want his money so he doesn't have anything to control me with.  Why can't i just live the way i want to.  They don't even go down in my room, no one does, its in a secluded area of the house, they didn't go down there this much when i was a kid, but now they go down there everyday so that they can yell at me if i have a shirt on the ground. I'm not sure how their mind is thinking this sort of behavior is adaptive, im not sure what kind of emotional need it fulfilling. I wish i could figure it out so i could fulfill it, or they could figure out how to, without have to control me and take it out on me and act inappropriately and drive me crazy when im trying as hard as i can. i hate them. i wish i had somewhere to go. i left my phone at brandons so i don't even have it.  i was planning that i didn't need it that i was just going to hang out all day at home and maybe do my homework and not talk to brandon because of the way he acted last night.  But no, now i am stuck here, when i wish i could go somewhere else and escape it.  I came home and my dad is standing there and he says hello and i just walked up here without saying anything.  I don't see an apology in my future, or any change.  So i just will try to avoid them and keep myself at homeostasis and try.. to not let it get to me, to not make me so angry and vengeful and distructive. ugh. i don't even have any friends to call.  my bf is a peice of shit and i can't call him, even though he has my phone.  I did have a good time at the barn though. got to see my handsome horse. my dog got to play in the ring and jump the jumps and she loves it its so cute. except she gets a little.. overstimulated.  i would love to do agility with her. i guess its not really the season but, maybe when spring rolls around. she would be a star.  so unless my dad give me money without trying to control me with it, i plan on making it through the week with not a dollar. i will fix sanwhiches when my parents are not around, eat here when i can.  Get brandon or someone to give me some weed and cigs, gina to give me adderall.  And then i will make 200$ on saturday and i will be substained for a few weeks and then again they won't have anything to hold over me.  I mean, he might get so angry that he can't make me make my room spotless even though i don't stay in it, or do anything in it, except change and take a shower, that he might try to kick me out but, if he tried to kick me out for my laundry then.. i donno i will call the fucking cops.  I am so close to being triggered by them i have been imaging trashing my house. i even imagined pushing my dad down the stairs when he came up here to pick on me and killing him, and then freaking out and having to run away or kill myself.  I have a feeling they might be smart enough to leave me alone.  I hope they understand that i can't control my anger when this happens and something bad will happen. oh well, one day at a time, right?