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ive just decided im not bipolar!

Apr 20 2010
Yup, definately not bipolar. I feel so normal. it was definately all in my head.. and my doctors head.. i was probably just being a baby and exaggerating and making things up!! yey what a relief!! LOL! JK, but seriously, i thought that for a moment today, and a moment yesterday. Like.. man, i've been feeling fine for so many months now..  maybe im not really bipolar. But alas, i know this is the way it goes. I have been off medication for a while now, but i understand this illness, luckily, is episodic, and that i will have plenty of normal life. Whenever im in doubt, the light shines on my arm and my scars poke out and i can see them, and feel like everyone else can too.  it reminds me how bad it gets when it bad. then i saw my transcript yesterday when i was signing up for fall semester and i was surprized, almost like i had forgotten, how many Fs i had gotten, randomly in a bunch in the middle of years of As.  So, i know that i still have a monster inside me somewhere, and i am greatful that i am able to live and function so happily now, for the time being.  I wrote an 8 page paper last night. good paper too! but i have signed up for fall, my 2nd too last semester of undergrad. and suddenly, after 5 years i can finally see the end of my undergrad career. yesterday was the first time i seriously thought about graduating, that i only have 3 semesters left, including this summer.  So thats refreshing. Being manic and crashing afterwards took  a year 1/2 of school away from me. i will graduate with an alright gpa just because i have gotten mostly A's besides my 3 semesters of Ws and Fs, so.. it balances somewhere in the middle. right now my gpa is a 2.77, and should be over 3.0 by the time i graduate.  I have been sleeping much easier at night lately. i only take half or less of my seroquel pill, so thats like 20-25 mgs. i am on no mood stabilizer. i am getting many things done during the day, and my classes are all going well as my semester ends up. if i get lucky, i will get 3 As and a B. If not.. possibly 2 of each. either way, i will be happy with it. i think for a present, i will ask my parents for a grill for my new house! me and brandon have been cooking a lot. I like being the wifey. Brandon has been a good boyfriend lately. I kind of, resolved our sex issue for the moment. i got drunk basically raped him on the couch last week, and then we had sex when we woke up one morning a few days before that.  We had never done either of those things before. Now ive  been on my period for a week so i didnt have to worry about it. But, i think my idea of seperating bed time and sex was a good one. i have been falling asleep so quickly now a days. plus, brandon gets all hot and whiney when he gets into bed to go to sleep. so.. i have my own place, there are plenty of places to try to do it now besides the bed. Maybe i will bring him out of his shell a little more. maybe one day he will tell me he lovesss me! :x we went to have dinner at troys with him and cary. i felt so grown up it almost made me uncomfortable. the boys were drinking beers and talking and me and cary, who im not sure close with, were drinking wine and having domestic talk like wifeys do.  It was fun though and it made me <3 my bf. So i somehow got the night off work. the weather is bad so they didnt need as many of us. although im feeling super guilty at the moment because i pulled a typical sketch move. britney called and texted and said me and tristyn could have the night off. so i called tristyn and told her and she was really happy. then britney called me back and said that she misunderstood marcelo and that one of us could have the night off, but one had to come in. so i texted tristyn and told her she had to go in. she called me like 3 times, begged me to go in because she had an exam in the morning. I dont know why.. maybe because i had already gotten the notion that i didnt have to go in inside my brain, but i sketched out and just ignored her phone calls and texts. ugh. not nice on my part. i had the whole lie in my head that i would tell her i was outside with the dog and didnt have my phone. but alas all that really matters is what i know because im the one that feels bad. i can be really selfish sometimes. but its too late now. im gonna be bored tonight anyways because brandon hangs out with his brother on tuesdays and besides him and gina i dont hang out with anyone :X uh oh. 

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