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Dit"I've been a grateful member here for over 4 yrs this place has changed my life of course for the better, coming to the groups has enabled me to no longer feel so alone. As a group leader for the Bipolar Support group I can relate to others and am expressing my experience strength and hope and this is very rewarding, I've also made many supportive friends here whom I talk to some daily. I used to have a lot of 'lows' since becoming member here at MdJunction I no longer have these lows." (Dit)

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is it possible..

Jul 31 2010

How do you make yourself stop loving someone, or can you? Is it really possible to will yourself to stop caring for someone so strongly? Would time really heal it? Is it really them, or seriously.. is it me?? At a time when I'm feeling relatively stable, I guess the game of relationships never at one point becomes clear.  I blew up on my boyfriend last night.  Not unprovoked, I had a horrible day at work of costumers being dicks to me and then he told me that he was too busy to go to the birthday party we were supposed to go to.  i had gotten of work the next day so that we could go to it, it was a huge hassle, and i felt like my reaction was well deserved and appropriate. Apparently, not. As usual, i had overreacted to the situation.  It caused quite a long fight.. and at the end of it i was left yet again feeling like.. even though i could have SWORN i was right in the whole thing, i wasn't.. and even though i really feel like none of it was at all my fault.. somehow again it was. Sounds about right. My boyfriend has always said since we first started dating that these fights happen like once a week because of me, not i those words but thats whats been said.  He said in order for us to stay together that i need to work on my outbursts (keep in mind theyre always only in texts.. never when were together.. so lame) under control.  Growing up, when i got to be a teenager and i became emotional me and my mother stopped getting along all together.  The bipolar is from her side of her family and her, her aunt and great aunt have it.  She can be... unspeakably cruel.. verbally.  She will almost literally, turn into a snake.  Her eyes get dialated and she just shifts and.. the words that come out of her mouth are just aimed to harm. She just thinks of the worst thing she could every possibly say to me.  It made my adolscence very, very hard, especially with a mood disorder of my own beginning. But now, mid into my 20s and even before then, i see I am exactly the same.  I say the things I think will hurt the people i love the most. Why? because i feel they need it and deserve it.  But then just like my mom, at the end i realize i was wrong. and the guilt and reprocussions on my relationships are irrepairable. 

So at the moment I am sure my boyfriend sucks.  I think this about, 50% of the time, a true bp right? I dont like the way he acts.  at least.. that was what i had thought when i started writing this.  We did end up going out o the birthday party tonight.  He actually ended up picking me up.. a nice surprise.  I guess i nitpicked at everything all night. he is not the lovey dovey flirty boyfriend that i want him to be. We talked again last night about how he wont tell me he loves me. he said it was hard on him that he wasnt able to express his feelings to me, but i definately feel like its harder on me.  But we were around couples all night and we are definately not the couple i want us to be.  But then that brings me back to my original story, do i deserve a perfect man when i am imperfect myself? My boyfriend is supportive of my bipolar and wants me to be honest about it, but doesn't want me to blow up on him and thinks i should work on my issues. Please,.. i have been to 50 hours of therapy since we started dating, if not more.. dont tel me i havent been working on it. i dont want to be a mother like my mom. i dont want to explode at thte people i love.. and i dont want to be angry like i am now. 

Previous diary posts by merryatl:
Comments (1)Add Comment
written by lena797, August 01, 2010
I read your journal entry..and it sounds like you are very desperate.
One of the things that you need to keep in mind constantly: you must picture in your head what kind of person you want to be. Instead of being focused all the time on the thought: "i don't want to be like my mom, i don't want to explode at the people i love" have another focus, for example "i can be calm and understanding. i can make it through a relationship, i can react differently to stuff then my mom does'.
You are not your mom. From what you wrote sounds like you worked much already to keep your life altogether and to keep your relationship work.

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