\*_a long story_*/

Yea.. didnt have anything to do this morning so i def wake n baked. i also kinda felt like poopy when i woke up... im sure the two are related. I decided to throw in a "love u" when i textedbrandon goodnight last night. of course that made him not text me back or respond. Even though he told me he would work on it.. i dont think he has any serious plans too.  how hard could it be to

How do you make yourself stop loving someone, or can you? Is it really possible to will yourself to stop caring for someone so strongly? Would time really heal it? Is it really them, or seriously.. is it me?? At a time when I'm feeling relatively stable, I guess the game of relationships never at one point becomes clear.  I blew up on my boyfriend last night.  Not unprovoked, I ha

I felt it coming yessireeee.  I woke up, and went to bed for that matter, really depressed today.  I felt so weird yesterday. When i got home from work i couldn't eat, wasnt hungry. evenfixed a pizza and just took it out of the oven and let it sit there and never ate it. i went and got a bottle of wie when i got off work because i felt like shit and i had like 2 glasses and felt like

i feel like shit. i have a headache, my chest hurts again, i just feel like.. awful. more than that, i feel depressed. like i could start crying at any moment. here it comes. i can feel my bipolar switchturning on. im so fucked. 

lately ive been feeling uncomfortable. as i said in my last post. its not a particular feeling, i wouldnt call it anxiety, or depression, or anger, i just feel... uncomfortable. like im not comfortablewith myself, and for no reason. Ive found the only way to make this feeling go away is to stay busy. as much as i want to sit around and skip school and call into work, i know it inevidably makes me

I havent posted since April.  But thats ok, it can only mean i dont have many things to bitch about.  I have been so busy with summer classes and work.  I have been feeling like myselfstill, which i suppose isn't surprising.  Even off medication I go through nice long spells where im able to get my life back together and feel like myself.  The problem is that is jus

Yup, definately not bipolar. I feel so normal. it was definately all in my head.. and my doctors head.. i was probably just being a baby and exaggerating and making things up!! yey what a relief!! LOL! JK, but seriously, i thought that for a moment today, and a moment yesterday. Like.. man, i've been feeling fine for so many months now..  maybe im not really bipolar. But alas, i know this

Ugh, so i've had the worst cold for the past 2 days. and today well, i just feel super sick. the thing is, i dont know if its because of the new adderall i took today. i woke up this morning and wassuper coughy gaggy and had the hiccups. so whatever, went and finally picked up my scripts, i got my doc to switch me over to addy xr for school. so, i took one today. didnt take it early enough but

So, been working all weekend. my ear hurts, like i have an ear ache. me and brandon finally had sex yesterday afternoon. its only the 2nd time in 15 months of dating we've had sex during the day. So now, i can relax a little bit about the issue. Doesn't mean in two weeks its not gonna be the same story. 

So, once again, it is like my scheduled monthly confrontal to my boyfriend about our sex life. This has been going on for, over 6 months. Of course, the longer it persists, the more discouraged I get and the less I want to put in the effort to fix it. In fact, I don't want to put in any effort at all.

My boyfriend has a low sex drive. He has problems with depression throughout his lif

I have been busy, of course. It is the last month of this semester and, as typically the work seems to be building up. I am working 40 hours. Doing ok though, mood has been holding up. I went to my pdoctwo days ago. Who i can not say enough about. Every time i go i feel so cared about. On my mind at the current moment is my horse. Of course i was on facebook, looking at pics from people at the bar

im so sick of cold rainy days because they make me feel like shit. at the moment the weather has really been effecting my affect.  one day its sunny, and i feel energized and awesome and happy, andthen on days like today when its cold and rainy i feel anxious.. feel like something wrongs even though i know its not. today has been poopy i feel like. woke up, skipped my first class because it w

so i've been eating adderall for the past.. 2 or 3 days. I always feel a ittle guilty eating adderall. Although im prescribed by my doctor, and i do need it, and i only take it when i need it and make special sure that i dont take it any other time. Still, it makes my affect a little more unpredictable. The weather has really been affecting me. Yesterday, sunny, it had me in such a greaat mood

my disorder has had a huge impact on my riding life, obviously, since it is my one true passion. i decided to sell the horse because it is a huge financial problem for my parents. so.. my trainer soldhim for basically no money, went on vacation, and failed to tell me he had been sold, or had left and gone to Fl. i had kinda known he was gone, because she texted me and said she had a check for him.

so gina left and went to destin for four days for spring break, and what did i do? nothing. couldnt get my shit together enough or motivated enough to go. didnt feel like having to get the days off work, like going through the whole process.. blah blah. probably best i didnt go, i cant party as hard as those kids anymore. not gina.. but tran and them. tran was talking to me right before they went

So, i have to work all weekend. 6 or 7 shifts in a row. 38 hours, back to back pretty much. i get off work today, after me and brandon kinda fought last night. i asked him not to go see alice in wonderlandwithout me and what does he do the first night he possibly can when i have work, goes to see alice in wonderland when he knows i wont be able to. i was a little put off to say the least. then tod

I didnt take the lamictal last night. I woke up, had no nightmares, and feel better than i have in the past week ive been taking it. Its quite a relief, the moods were starting to frighten me. Its like... id be there feeling so anxious.. feeling like something was desperately wrong, like i had done something very bad.. and i'd try to self talk out of it because i knew nothing was wrong, i knew

so i havent felt the need to journal since i was cycling last. when i write in here its kinda just like a diary, and less a mood journal. Today, since im having MOODS, its a mood journal. I began tonotice, thursd or friday. i started taking the lamictal again on wednesday. Friday, just at work snapped into an awful mood. i got an order wrong. nothing bad happened, my manager fixed it and my tab

so, i didnt realize i had an apptmnt with my pdoc on monday, whoops. luckily, he called me and left me a msg, i called him back on wednesday and he made a late appointment to see me that day. I got soolucky with an amazing pdoc. he is interesting in my grades, what classes im taking.. yada yada. so, i decided to go back on the lamictal. the bruises havent completely gone away and, ive decided it w

so I have been motivated enough to accomplish all the things on  my plate at the moment, which are numerous. i havent dissapointed myself yet.i moved in. i had two tests this week, both of which went well. i cleaned today, did laundry last night.,. went to work today.. woke up early to study this morning, studied for several hours last night even with my boyfriend here.  everything is ge

quick entry. im still doing well. i moved into my new place on friday. i am all settled in, i love it here, and i think im going to do very well. my boyfriend has been supportive of me moving in and hasbeen here a lot despite my assumption that he was gonna be weird about coming here. i have a huge load of school this week, lots of first tests. i already had two, and neither were too bad. my ex wo

so, im currently skipping class to study. well, taking a break from studying for a minute but.. i couldnt get anyone to cover my shift at work tonight, of course. so, i will be closing, wont get hometill 11... and then will still have several hours of studying to do. I guess this is what college is all about right? working too much, staying up late nights to cram ect? just not usually my routin

So.. the decision that i havent been able to make was made for me last night, and im relieved. actually, i gues i had already made it but, now its changed. i was gonna break up with brandon after i movedand be with work boy. But boy oh booooyyyy, he got wasted and spilled the beans on himself last night. It was our work party so we all went up to alpharetta and got wasted at the party and had a gr

im working so fucking much. another 40 hour week, and i even called in sick one day. but, its all gonna be worth it. i did put down the 500$ deposit on the townhouse condo, we move in a week from friday!! pretty exciting, i have been living at my parents/brandons for over a year now. i cant wait to have a place that is my own. a place where i can cook, hang out, have friends over. As far as boys g

i took adderall today for the first time in a few weeks, fun! i had built up a tolerance to it last semester, and now i dont have one and i was supppper ontop of shit, i loved it.  class was fun. abnormal of course is always just like... crazy, because im abnormal.. and all we do all class is talk about people like me. i got uber motivated and wanted to finish all the school work i had for th

So, its been a couple weeks since ive been juggling two boys. Two, very very different boys, both of which have parts of them that i love.  However, neither of which i like enough to tell the otherone to go away. Someone commented on my last one asking whether the thing with brandon is more of a comfort thing, and it definately is a comfort thing.  Even when i was sure he wasnt the boy f

I have always been one to kinda.. flirt with boys when i have a boyfriend. i dont go around cheating on them all the time but i definately always like the challenge and the attention. This time? its gonetoo far.  I have gotten myself into a mess i dont know how to get out of. I have been flirty with the boy at work for a while.  2 weeks ago we started going out and getting drinks after w

its been snowing here. its atlanta, so of course its not sticking, but.. its always fun since it only happens once a year or so :) so tonight is my first night off work since new years. hard to believehuh. ive been wroking soooo much. all day everyday pretty much this week. i tried to pick up as many shifts as i could before school, and honestly i picked up a few just so that i would be working at

is to be able to put down shit no one else can know! although this is on the internet and shows up on google, hmm.. anyways.. whoa i just got really paranoid about writing stuff in here.. moving on.. i spent like all day today with work boy. i mean, get to work at 10:30, goof off, go to lunch at 1:30, have bloody marys, goof off at work all night then go and have beers until 11:30. its like i get

So i slept for soooo long last night. almost.. 12 hours. wow. i had so many dreams it was nuts. brandon ignored me most of the night, as i had kind of expected. his sister and soon to be brother in lawwere leaving to go back to texas this morning so he wanted to hang out with the fam last night, of course.. no big deal. But why cant he just fucking tell me? why does he feel like if he doesnt want

so its been over 2 weeks since i posted last. The day i got my iphone, what a coincidence, because this is like the 2nd time ive used my computer since then i just use my phone, wonder if they havelike a mdjunction app? would be interesting :) Anyways, christmas was good, as usual. the older i get the faster it goes by. sneaks up on you and then is gone before u know it. I had a good birthday a

So, for the longest time i haVE been the only one out of my friends without an iphone. So, when i got my grades, which were straight As, i need i could prob talk my parents into it, or into helping mepay for one. luckily my dad was able to sign a new contract and i got my iphone, yey!  Nice to work hard and get nice things. Speaking about working hard and getting nice things, this does not se

so im about to fucking lose it. i dont know where my phone is. actually, i know where it is, it has to be at brandons. except he said he couldnt find it, even though i know he half asses looked for iy, and now he wont answer calls from my house phone. and of course, since the age of cell phones, no one memorizes numbers anymore.  so im here, all alone, i cant get in touch with anyone. i just

For the past few days, it has been absolutely nasty outside. Freezing, rainy, the worst. It totally reflected my mood.  But today, its so freshing. The rain blew away, and behind it came sunshineand warm weather. Its probably about 65 outside, sunny as can be.. like early spring time. I love it, its lifts me spirits, gives me extra energy, automatic happiness, optimism.. motivation.. exciteme

Yey! im so fucking happy at the moment. Did not expect the grades i just got.  I didn't really ahve enough time to study for my I/O final. I have been working everyday. So i go in, knowing i slacked on studying, and i take the test, and i bomb it. I mean, i went through and calculated the amount i knew i got correct, and it was 66%. I was like great, a whole semester of trying really hard

To start off, i feel hung over, although i only had, 3 or 4 drinks last night, over the span of two hours. Perhaps? wow, i really can't drink anymore if thats the case! to, i worked last night, made120$. it was good, i was super crazy busy, and i actually had a table walk out because i was so busy i didn't see them sit down, so it took me like, 10 minutes to greet them, and right afer i di

Wow, god knows i try in every aspect of my life. i try to make my boyfriend happy. i try to do well in school. i try to work. well, after ignoring me all day yesterday, brandon finally sent me a longangry text about me texting him the night before about him being rude and inconsiderate and how i didn't want to wait arounnd until 2 in the morning for him to let me know if i was going over th

asbolutely, 100%, totally fucking worthless. i mean, good for nothing, really. amazing.  i dont know why i stick around, its not like one day hes just going to wake up and decide that we should goon dates, or decide that he should tell me he loves me, or decide that we should sex more than twice a month. Its not like one day hes going to wake up and be any sort of normal human being or boyfri

so, ive come home, had two glasses of wine and fixed a grilled cheese. i am in a better mood now, relaxed.. the only thing is, while on facebook i got this sudden whim to look at my exboyfriends facebook, although i know he never gets on it, and it never changes, i check it constantly anyways. not because i want to stalk.. but because, i miss him. especially with having a boyfriend now that is

so, ive come home, had two glasses of wine and fixed a grilled cheese. i am in a better mood now, relaxed.. the only thing is, while on facebook i got this sudden whim to look at my exboyfriends facebook, although i know he never gets on it, and it never changes, i check it constantly anyways. not because i want to stalk.. but because, i miss him. especially with having a boyfriend now that is

so, not super happy at the end of my night. worked today, it was alright.. i had like, 5 tables.. and made a whopping 40$. ugh. plus i had to buy a wine key, minus ten, then i had to tip out bar, esseysand food runners, minus ten. so, worked for 5 hours and made 20$, i could have made more money working at mcdonalds. i guess its good we weren't super busy, it was the first time i had worked si

So not only does my mom have bipolar like moods, she is totally OCD. Both of my parents in fact. Where is the line between freakishly organized and clean, and OCD? My dad was in the air force, and hisbelongings have always been super organized, and in there proper places.  I mean, everything has been exactly as it is, in the same places, the same way, since i can remember.  Don't thi

ugh had a three hour boring ass class without our usual break. god awful. i was so bored i couldn't may attention anymore. plus, im thinking it was kinda pointless that i went anyways, nothing thati couldn't have learned from the power points. the test is next monday. i need an A or a high B to get an A in the class. so i just got home and now im soo tired, i just want to lay down. when be

ugh i just ate so much chicken parma. and, i just got tips on my nails and i havent gotten used to typing with it yet. 

ANYWAYS, got to sleep today until 12:30, as nice not to have to getup. i had a meeting at work at 2:30, it was short and i finally got my schedule. i am orking a lot, they scheduled me for like, 35 hours. it will be good though, i need and want the money. so i got t

haven't really had the chance the write the past few days. my family is in town and staying at our house. i mean.. last night e had 12 people sleeping here. verus the normal 3. they arrived tuesday. i have been so busy. an hour off seems like a blessing. i got all my shit done tuesday, went and had drinks with brandon and jimmy when i was done. i had like, 2 drinks, and felt not good when i wa

ugh i donno what to do. its been a weird day. i have two exams tomorrow. and i feel like, i dont need to study anymore, although i know that i do. i studied econ a bit both sat and sun. i read a littlelearning and behavior yesterday, and just now went over the most recent powerpoints, and i feel like i know everything other than that. but i know there is more studying to be done, its frustrating,

wow. i did not feel great today. totally hung over. god, i remember when i used to be hung over everyday. was so used to it, knew how to live with it, now im like, i can't do anything! So, last night, ugh.. me and b were supposed to go to dinner, apparently. he had mentioned it the night before. and i wasn't sure i believed it but, i hoped! so, i waited around all day, he hadn't said a

i got up at 8:00 am, all by myself!! wow. it has been since working at camp this summer that i did that.  And, i didn't feel awful either. I went to bed early, took my seroquel at 11:15 and sleptat home. I must have woken up 10 times last night wondering what time it was, thinking i had missed it, everytime i looked at my phone it was like, 3 in the morning, 4 in the morning, 6 in the mor

Ah! so, actually went up and went to that job interview today.  As im going through the interview, i'm pretty sure that not only am i not going to get the job, but that i won't be able todo it anyways.  I didn't have fine dining experience, she was concerned I was in school, yada yada. They hired me anyways.  I was so overeager to take whatever i could get that I told th

I don't mind people coming on here looking for insight about someone they know with bp. I welcome them to PM me, and hope I can help. But... its getting a little old. people are starting to get pissedoff, which pisses me off. Just because someone is bp doesn't mean thats the reason they broke up with you. just because they are on whatever drug doesn't mean thats why they broke up with

sooo booooreddd kinda. i've been spending the last 30 minutes trying to somehow find pictures of nathans girlfriend. or something. i dont know why the sudden curiousity, i checked out his sisters new profile pic maybe thats why. anyways, i couldn't find.. anything. pretty dissapointing. the only way is im gonna have to get someone to friend her on fb so i can see. i dont see what the point

so its friday, it kinda feels like a friday. my parents are gone, sweeet. i can be at home and relax without having to worry about them nagging me or freaking out on me. i donno what im gonna do tonight, t is supposedly having a fire, not that my bf will talk to me! such a douche sometimes.  I'm not currently in the mood to put up with it.  Anyways though.. watched the kids today. th

ugh, i hate the rain. i hate walking around school in the rain. even more so, i have driving in the rain. like i have bad enough vision driving at night anyways, lets just throw some pouring rain in theretoo.  Ah yes, that sounds about right.  However much i didn't want to go to school though, i did.  my 4$ umbrella held up decently. school was fine.i babysat for a few hours ear

feels like tuesday, but whatever. i just got done with watching sharons kids. they were better today.  doug asked me to sub teach in two saturdays. i donno why they give me so many chances, but itsamazing, and the world needs to be filled with more people like them.  so, i felt like absolute shit yesterday. i had no energy, i could barely move, much less study. i studied a little, just t

So, i went and did the bartend thing last night. it went well. no one asked me to make anything weird, but shit those ppl drank a lot of vodka. i mean there must have only been 20-25 people there, and they drank uh.. 15 liters of vodka or something. blowing through grey goose like i was water. i made my 200$. i got done late, around 2:30. went and slept at b's. i took a 100mg of lamictal ye

so, uhm.. im bartending that party tonight. the only problem is, im not a bartender. im a drinker, not a tender.  I know what evertyhing tastes like... but uhh.. i know how to use a shaker. uh.. i know how too.. pour wine, open beer.. uhh... i mean, im gonna have to start writing all this shit down on a note card, good jesus. this is going to be awful. i keep having dreams about blowing stuff

i hate my fucking parents. i hate them. i donno how the fuck im supposed to live here, its impossible, ive been taking a toxic dose of mood stabilizer just to be able to deal with them.i worked all day, with fucking crazy kids. i come home, try to eat, and at first my parents give me shit because i asked my mom to get my calorie drinks at the grocery store, ebcause i had lost weight. they start gi

So, i woke up today.  Felt ok, b cheered my up last night after having an awful day or random side effects.  I got up at 12, studied, went to the doc.  I still had a fever this morning, about 100.   He kinda looked at me, at my throat. blah blah.  I don't have any symptoms of being sick, no cold, no flu.  He took a CBT so check out my blood, and will call me tomor

so, i felt fine when i woke up, when i went to bed. Those weird bruises are still on my leg, the skin is starting to look dry.  Today, i left for school, went to the gas station, then jumped on thehighway. pretty soon after i got on the highway, my eyes went to wack. i suddenly couldnt see straight. everytime i looked down, say at the radio, when i looked back up it took my eyes like 10 secon

So, i woke up.  Had a good night last night.  Slept pretty good although i slept until 1:30, this is a day i can do that.  got up, layed in bed with b and watched cartoons for a minute.  Anyways, i get home and both my parents are gone, and i'm like, wohoo! And then i start to think... man, theres no food here.  If i eat another ham/cheese sammich im gonna barf.  

This isn't really a diary, is it? Considering everyone else in the world can see it.  Its probably.. more of a.. informal blog.  Maybe that would be fun, making a blog? Then again, i don't really see the point. ANYWHO. School.. got a 91 on my IO test.  Kind of dissapointed, i got a 91 with a curve.  So i got an 80 something.  Thats bullshit i thought i did so good

So, i didn't wake up in a great mood. i didn't really do anything last night, i waited for brandon all night, and he just ignored me.  It was great.  Ugh.  So, i  came homethis morning, said hi to my parents and started to make a sammich. I'm just sitting there minding my own business and my dad sits there and starts picking on me about my laundry.  I'm lik

Its halloweeeeeeeen! its these kind of holidays that i wish i was still a kid.  I'm not excited about it anymore, really.  I mean, it is definately a fun day but... i donno, i want to gotrick or treating! I woke up soooo hung over this morning omg.  My heard was killing meeee, and i was bloated and wanted to throw up, and i was having horrible cramps and didn't have an extra

is mine back? do i have my life back? it would be miraculous. So, yesterday, i went to my plastic surgeon.  I am going to have the scars on my face recut and stitched up to help minimize them.  Great, starting all over with the stitches all over my face and the rubbing and the makeup and all that other awful shit, my face finally just got back to looking normal and now im going to fuck i

So, i feel relatively, normal.  When i was driving home tonight, i thought to myself in the car,.... Shit, i almost feel like i have my life back.  I have made it out to the barn to see myhorse the past two days, which is good, i miss all my friends out there, and everyone seems forgiving of my absense, sharon even asked me to nanny the kids when theyre fulltime one is out of town. &n

my feet are hot. its ok though, im about to take a shower.  So, yesteday, i studied literally all day.. from um.. about 3:30pm-1:30am.  I took an adderall and, i wasn't studying affectively, which is probably why i studied for so long. I wrote all the questions, then i started to do two concept maps, neither of which worked.  Then i took notes from my notes, the powerpoints and

I have been studying for hours already, and it is so all over the place that i haven't learned anything.  Its getting frustrating.  I am trying to avoid reading the chapters, because theyare so fucking boring, and lengthy.  This class is boring and lengthy.  I really want to do on this test, and if my shitty pointless studying results in a less than desirable grade, im goin

Yea.. i thinking that could be awesome.  Kind of like.. a blueberry muffin? With some sort of stuesul topping? Who knows.  Got to see nikki yesterday for the fest time in several several months. It was good to see her, regardless of what people say about her, she has always been a good friend. She seems to be doing better, although i'm not sure how long that will last!  We went

My mom just said i should get the h1n1 vaccine.  She said its people like me that are dying from it.  First of all, i'm pretty sure i already had swine flu last spring.  It was likeno other flu i've ever had atleast.  2nd of all, i don't really want to give into this fear that the media has instilled in people about swine flu.  Its just like the regular flu. &n

My mom just said i should get the h1n1 vaccine.  She said its people like me that are dying from it.  First of all, i'm pretty sure i already had swine flu last spring.  It was likeno other flu i've ever had atleast.  2nd of all, i don't really want to give into this fear that the media has instilled in people about swine flu.  Its just like the regular flu. &n

For some reason, when i was fixing lunch, i all of the sudden got really bad muscle pains in the bottom on my back on the sides.  Its like.. menstrual cramps but its not.. it also feels like somepains that usually come along with illness, such as flu.  So, i sure as hell hope im not getting sick. i dont have any symptoms, i just dont know why my back would hurt. i guess its not a big dea

Yup, upping my Lamictal.  I'm at 400mg now.  There is no higher than 400mg.  It seems im always.. ending up at the highest dosage of whatever im taking.  Am i really that bad?  When i was depressed and on the highest dosage of Paxil (hah), i thought that was pretty bad,.. but.. being bipolar is a whole different scale, and i'm at the top of that too. Wow.  May

Yup, im gonna try to keep it short.  Made cookies last night, they were fine.  

I have never really succcessfully made cookies from scratch.  I mean, dont get me wrong, i can bake.. but for some reason, my cookies always end up fucked up.  So, i will try again tonight, i dont really have a lot of ingredients so snickerdoodles with suffice.  I am always making shit and never eating it.  Maybe i will start eating it since my appetite has returned.  Yup.

so i think i like this whole sunday football thing.  Not that i was ever against it, but everyone just huddles inside while its hot and relaxes and watch football together.  Lets see, i feltvery well this morning when i woke up.  I had a good night last night, me and b went to go see paranormal activity, i love that kinda shit.  I hate the black people in the movie theater that

instead of football ugh. no one wants to do anything but watch football, i suppose it is a good day for it, its freezing and cloudy again.  I feel alright this morning.  I don't really feelany anxiety attacks in store for me today so, i suppose thats a good start.  My night last night was alright.  Brandon is looking at schools out of state because he doesn't think he w

so i freaked out last night, again.  I feel like an iddddiot. i'm just kinda trying to act like it never happened.  I don't know why this has happened like..atleast 3 times in thepast month maybe.  I'm taking my medicine? I missed 2 days of my extra lamictal.   I take 100 in the morning now additionally to my 200 mg at night, and i didnt take the one in the

god i hate my fucking life.  fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  i said something to brandon. not accusing him. i just said what people had said to me and that it had made me upset.  of coursehe got super defensive and got all over me and started to turn it around on me and i started to freak out. i made it to school. i didn't want to walk in but i can't miss those classes. i ge

Rainy day? Sounds about right.  Wow, my day started off AWESOME! its like, can't i be given a break and atleast have a bit of time after i wake up before i realize that a lot of things in my life suck?  Maybe i'm throwing myself another pity party, but maybe i deserve one.  I should deserve something, right?  Brandon wakes up to go to the rest of his testing.  Gets

Im sooo hungry.  I wish i had the appetite i used to.. i dont know what happened to it. I used to eat like.. 5 times a day because my metabolism is so fast i was always hungry.  Now, i eat twicea day, which i know is what normal people eat but... i donno, i want my unquenchable thirst for food back! obviously.. adderall doesn't help.  I had my presentation today and turned my pa

Ugh, school school school.  Had my learning and behavior test today, it went well.. ill be dissapointed if i dont get an A, but im sure i did.  Anyways, i went to see tdoc today.  Told her about the anxiety problems i had this weekend.  She tells me to self talk. I'm like... do you know how much i fucking self talk? A lot.  I'm always trying to rationalize and obje

So, its monday again, and raining in Atlanta... again.  Ever since the floods we have gottten more rain that ever before.. i mean, in the history of atlanta.  In my lifetime, i will see the nastiness of global warming.  Sometimes, i wish i was in my parents general, before technology got out of control.. before the weather started to change.  Anyways, despite the weather i woke

so.. i woke up. lied in bed. and within 15 minutes, i was crying? why? i donno, probably feeling bad for myself.  I thought i was going to have another anxiety attack last night, i was pretty scared.  I tried to do the breathing, it didn't hurt. i got up, took a shower, made myself eat dinner, then went to kregs.  I didn't talk to brandon. i didn't text him. finally i te

Its cloudy outside. that sounds about right.  i freaked out last night.  its awful when that happens. i felt it coming, of course.  I kind of felt that way on thursday night, and then wheni woke up on friday, i knew exactly what was in store for me that day.  I went through the motions yesterday, as much as i could atleast.  And it started creeping up on me all day long, a

i feel like shit.  i felt it today, all day today. just kind of.. brewing inside me.  i was hoping to work through it, push it back.  but of course, the more i sat at home, the more anxiousi got.  i am depressed and angry.  i knew i was going to pick a fight with brandon and i did. it was not an invalid argument but i shouldn't have dragged it on so long. i feel like h

its friday night, and im starting to get restless and anxious.  i have been home all day, working. i went to the bank, took care of that. started studying for learning and behavior and did the outlinefor my paper and found articles.  So.. i don't know why im starting to get anxious? its only 7:00. i dont know what im doing yet.. but i dont usually this early.  i know my boyfrien

ugh. first of all, i feel like poopy when im coming down from adderall. @nd of all, im hungry.  My dad said he would have something for me when i got home, and he didn't not a big deal, stillwas irritated i was going to have to drive to wendies.  Then i get to wendies, and guess what, they declined my debit card.  I put the check in today i donno why i thought it would go throug

its so beautiful outside. i have a feeling this is our last glimpse of warm weather before fall hits us for good.  I'm ready for the reasonchange this time i think.. before when the cold weathersprang out of no where.. it kind of snuck up on me and so did 1000 memories.  But, i think im ok now.  Ive been taking my extra lamictal all week, and hell, i feel good.  Could a med

I didn't journal yesterday, thats always a good sign.  When i'm feeling good i could care less about journaling.  Anyways, tomorrow was a good day.  No..noticable moods, amazing.  I felt pretty even all day. Not anxiety... not depression.. just me.  I hope it is due to the extra lamictal and that i have more days that are like this!   Sunday i was depressed, b

today is my doctors appointment.  Its hard to some up everything that has happened in the past two months in 15 minutes.  Especially since my moods have been changing more than once a day mostdays.  Today, i woke up pretty depressed.  i finally went over to see brandon after 2 hours of thinking about it.  I missed him.  But i went over there, and was so depressed that

i am very depressed today.i am positive i would not be depressed if it were not for brandon. i do not even want to get out of bed, and it is past 1:30.  i am not hungry. i do not want to do anything. i feel like all the love and life has been sucked out of my body. yesterday i was hypomanic feeling and very irritated. i relaxed when we got to dinner and drank all the margarita i could. the

i am still angry. i mean it has only been like 30 minutes. but im so irritable. god. i got a text from brandon that said he was house sitting for troy. this made me very angry because he did not answermy question about hanging out.  now i am angry at him. i should not be angry at him, i do not want to be. i'm still angry. i'm afriad im going to explode on someone. i think im going to

ok so.. i have been having a good day. went and turned in my contract. layed by the pool and relaxed, although i needed to lay on my stomach longer. Anywho,  I have been missing my nag champa incensefor a bit.  I figured my mom took it because she does not like me burning stuff in the house, she thinks im going to "burn it down".  So i vacuumed my room and it smelled bad.

i was not expecting today to be such a good day! woke up had to go see my therapist, you know, which was fine. Talked about how im starting to recognise my moods although i'm not able to control mostof them yet.  Then i get home and.. much to my surprise,  I HAD A CONTRACT FROM CAMP BARNEY! they didnt call me after my background check so i was sure they couldn't hire me because o

im very tired, but not sleepy. i just kinda got to staring at my member picture on here and the horse got me feeling very sad. i miss my horse. i miss riding and all my friends at the barn.  It hasbeen so long since i have been out there, why can i not go out there? do i not want to go? im i too scared? it would be so nice. Its so hard to think about it i have been blocking it out for a while

Still dealing with the aftereffects of missing my lamictal friday night, its now what, monday? I think that is whats going on anyways.  Today i feel okay, not depressed, not like myself really though.  My inner monologue has been bothering me all day, as it did last night.  The party went okay yesterday.  I was afriad i wasn't going to be able to calm down.  Luckily wh

ok so i journaled when i got up, and i felt fine before i got out of bed. as soon as i got up i started freaking out! god im not going to have enough time to do everything!! im not going to have enoughtime to do the cake!! anyways i got up, swung by ginas, then went to starbucks, only god knows why i thought i needed coffee when i'm all manic feeling, almost murdered 5 people in the starbucks

wow wasn't yesterday FUN. i really hope i get drunk and SKIP my medicine again. maybe then i can be a bitch and then want to die afterward! god! what the hell.  awful. well i did not skip my medicine this last night. took it early passed out, early.  Told brandon i was bipolar, whoops! he seemed to be super understanding, and not scared.  I have a feeling that he is going to

i'm so depressed. why do i fuck everything up. its like i can't do anything right, at all. my parents are mad at me because i had the dog down here, brandons mad at me because im a raging bitch, im miserable. i feel like someone is reaching inside me and twisting my insides.  i just need someone. im going to have to talk to brandon about being bipolar, i just sent him a text asking hi

its what i do. apparently. i'm always positive that i'm in the right, and that, the fight deserves to be picked, and that it needs to happen, and then after i wonder.. i'm not sure.  i start to feel like its my fault, even though i was positive i had a reason to be mad at brandon. he was a douche bag again last night. didnt answer my call, didnt call me back, finally texted me