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A DAY AT A TIME (with my recovering fiance)

Thoughts, feelings & ideas that some how get me through a broken-heart even when I think they won't.

Me Vs. Codependency (May 15th)

May 15 2012

I feel so stupid for feeling the way I do right now.

It is day 2 of rehab for him, following his 3 days in jail.

I'm floating between happy and absolute miserable, such a drastic differenceand so frequently that it's driving me crazy.

My chest has become tight and my back aches and I have this codependency book glued to me today because I literally need the hope. But as with anything, it's wearing off. I'm reading and reading and reading over and over and I'm getting it and taking it in and in that moment everything is SO CLEAR. And then I close the book... and about 20 minutes later reality slaps me in the face.

I know what I have to do. I have friends telling me. I have family telling me. I have a beautiful book telling me more clearly than I could have ever imagined. I have my own self telling me. Yet... I can't actually do it.

I feel so strong one minute and so weak the next. I repeat in my head that he is okay and that he's safe and everything will be okay. I repeat and repeat and repeat. I break. I pray. I repeat.

He called last night before I went to bed and that call felt so good. Just to hear his voice and him telling me he loves me and misses me. He told me he would call me in the morning, but didn't. It is his first full day in rehab and I know that there are a lot of things they have planned throughout the day that he has to do. He was probably caught up with everything going on. He probably couldn't call...

That's the logical part of my brain at work. The other part... the real.. overwhelming part... is telling me that he's never going to call me. He is in rehab and I dropped his stuff off and now he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He isn't going to call tonight. He won't. He will forget all about me. And since I have no way to contact him, I'm going to feel this pain FOREVER.

That's what makes me feel stupid. That is literally what is running through my brain and I KNOW better. But I can't stop myself. It takes me over out of nowhere. I'm so used to when I want to talk to him, I call him and he's there. I've never been in this situation before.

I cannot accept that I have no control and when I'm feeling decent and don't feel like I need him at the moment, I am fine with that. When I feel even the slightest bit tense, I'm FREAKING OUT because no matter what I want, I can't have it! I can no longer escape by calling him and him telling me everything's okay. I have to sit and wait... and I have NO control over whether or not this call is coming at all...

Previous diary posts by LGPNY:

3 days down, 90 to go.
And now he's gone away....jail&rehab
Where I'm at, emotionally, right now.
Just a few random thoughts...
How I think I feel today...

I'm not ready.
Why can't I do anything right for him?
Angry.
Anxious.
Weekend wasn't too bad.

Comments (2) Add Comment

written by leone63057, May 17, 2012

There isn't a solid line or a fine line drawn between enabling and control, it's more like a stretch of field between two different kinds of forest. Let him go and do this on his own. Speaking for myself, I spent so much time restoring order to the chaos that was my partners massive opiate addiction that once he was in rehab, I had nothing to fix. Or so it seemed. You may not want to hear this but you do have something to restore order to now, to mend. You. This is your time, and his, as individuals to cope with this very disturbing life that you are both in the process of recovering from. think of it like this; You can't reel a 747 in with a kite string. He's a 747. Let him fix his own engines and wings and learn to fly. And now that you're in that field between two forests, drop the kite string that never worked anyway and work work work hard on yourself. That's the best thing you can do for the relationship. Wringing your hands and living in distress will do nothing but give you agony. And that's not what you need now. Restore yourself. This is some breathing room for you too and I time to let him go into the hands of the professionals who will hopefully now give him the tools he needs to repair. Sending love.

written by kellyhuckaby, May 29, 2012

I wish my boyfriend would have been forced into inpatient. He thinks (once again) he can do it his way. I was almost looking forward to the space so that I could clear my mind. I realized already after two days a sense of relief. I didn't need to wonder where he is, I didn't need to search his stuff. I felt normal, and weird. But he's back again and I'm sure it will only be a matter of time until things return to their usual chaos.

Codependency rang a bell. I went to my first family meeting and they told me I was codependent. I was floored. I don't need HIM, he needs me. I don't depend on him for a single thing. But I realized how it came hand in hand with enabling and how I've tried to do too much for him so that he wouldn't have to do it himself. I controlled his money, I scheduled his day, etc. This time he can do what he wants. There's not much left from the relationship as is. And lets face it, I don't need to search his stuff and check his phone and follow him to know if he's doing drugs again or not. I'll know. I want to be FREE again. I feel so weighted.

I love the line: "You can't reel a 747 in with a kite string." I should practice that as well.

Best of luck. This time is yours.