|May 15 2012|
I feel so stupid for feeling the way I do right now.
It is day 2 of rehab for him, following his 3 days in jail.
I'm floating between happy and absolute miserable, such a drastic differenceand so frequently that it's driving me crazy.
My chest has become tight and my back aches and I have this codependency book glued to me today because I literally need the hope. But as with anything, it's wearing off. I'm reading and reading and reading over and over and I'm getting it and taking it in and in that moment everything is SO CLEAR. And then I close the book... and about 20 minutes later reality slaps me in the face.
I know what I have to do. I have friends telling me. I have family telling me. I have a beautiful book telling me more clearly than I could have ever imagined. I have my own self telling me. Yet... I can't actually do it.
I feel so strong one minute and so weak the next. I repeat in my head that he is okay and that he's safe and everything will be okay. I repeat and repeat and repeat. I break. I pray. I repeat.
He called last night before I went to bed and that call felt so good. Just to hear his voice and him telling me he loves me and misses me. He told me he would call me in the morning, but didn't. It is his first full day in rehab and I know that there are a lot of things they have planned throughout the day that he has to do. He was probably caught up with everything going on. He probably couldn't call...
That's the logical part of my brain at work. The other part... the real.. overwhelming part... is telling me that he's never going to call me. He is in rehab and I dropped his stuff off and now he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He isn't going to call tonight. He won't. He will forget all about me. And since I have no way to contact him, I'm going to feel this pain FOREVER.
That's what makes me feel stupid. That is literally what is running through my brain and I KNOW better. But I can't stop myself. It takes me over out of nowhere. I'm so used to when I want to talk to him, I call him and he's there. I've never been in this situation before.
I cannot accept that I have no control and when I'm feeling decent and don't feel like I need him at the moment, I am fine with that. When I feel even the slightest bit tense, I'm FREAKING OUT because no matter what I want, I can't have it! I can no longer escape by calling him and him telling me everything's okay. I have to sit and wait... and I have NO control over whether or not this call is coming at all...
And now he's gone away....jail&rehab
Where I'm at, emotionally, right now.
Just a few random thoughts...
How I think I feel today...
Members who read this post also read:
" Flying Monkeys "
Losing a little ground.
My Sudden Insomnia: Diary entry #4