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DelicateSoul"I have been with MDJ for quite a while now. When I came I was in need of answers, as well as companionship. I found that and more. I have friends here that are there when I need them. And for that I am grateful!" (DelicateSoul)

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Zahc Once the title of a failed blog I attempted, which can still be found, I believe, somewhere lost in Google Land, which I may try to resurrect, it is now a collection of thoughts, ideas, and dreams, very much influenced by the Lupus/Fibro/Chronic Pain I have; this enterprize--too--may fail, and I very much crave your kind support, truthful comments, and encouragement as I try to find my way, and--in doing so-- hope to offer the same to all who suffer even as I do.
There can be no pretention; there will be no lies, nor deception. Or false hopes.
In search of honesty and awareness, I can only offer up my prayers, thoughts, aspirations.
The 'Postern Of Fate' is but a gate, beyond which lay the uncertainties of the real world; inside lies the refuge, the comfort, security and sanctuary that we make of our homes, to guard against the unknowable.
All I have to offer is my limited and personal insight. Though, I readily offer--too--a ready ear, and--I hope, an open heart.
And--as always--I wish all 'well days' and peaceful nights.
...Read More

" Why Do I So Often Fear The Coming Night ? "

May 02 2012

"Why Do I So Often Fear The Coming Night ?"

(is it because of seeming, endless, horrid nightmare, that in consuming all, would also seek my breath, or, rather that eachnight is thief to prior day, to bring me that much closer unto death?)

dedicated to my dear friends, ‘mabri'; ‘DenverCowboy'; ‘1magicman'; to Joan;  'Tenar',and, of course to dear, 'Strenuba'


By ‘Zahc'


I often wonder, now, why I fear so much the coming night?
Could it be that-in depression, and a hundred, other agonies, I do not want to surrender any-should there have been some--of a day's calm, and wonderful sight.
Exhausted, more than sleepy, now, I know I shall awake red-faced, sweated, fearful from nightmares that collectively affright,
and, gasping-know that nightfall signifies one less day, even if those days are pain-filled and unpleasant, marked upon the calendar of my life when-in my long-ago, and dusty youth-so much seemed to delight,
that only now is a nonetheless failed and traduced attempt at memory's second sight.


Or-rather-it is that the house has become too quiet, that I truly know that I am alone,
pausing to utter fractured prayers of a base unreasonableness, to a God I've never seen: to atone,
and, in giving-gladly-all my goods and worth I own,
abjure past sins that gather me in coldness now, when the cardboard fortress that is my home is too empty and too quiet, saving for an old dog's moan,
for she is running to some private, hunting dream, and lost in an old dog's sleep I cannot find, for me-instead, there IS no comfort known.


And why cannot I find some lingering sense of peace, somewhere among the scores of medicines I take, which are pushed and pulled by illness, pain; that offers only brief respite, but really does not abate
the chilling thoughts that horrid dreams will pursue me, to lead ever downward to that great,
and fiery lake; how then can I at last pay Charon's fare across the Styx?, where a triple-headed, monsterous Cerberus lies in wait
as guardian to a hellish scape of unending torment, or, rather would some dreamless sleep prove to be my fate.
Though I would choose sweet angels to bear up my soul, their rap'tous songs of evanescent joy elate.


To find myself face to face with a kinder, more forgiving Lord,
Who-in made manifest, eternal love-would gather me ‘round with soothing word,
forgiving me for a life-time of slights, both minor and major failures of the soul, however odd.
At least-in dreams-of beauty rare in cleansing, clarifying, changing to some perfect self be heard,
And by that gentle, soft, and reassuring Voice, instead, be stirred!


But, once again, I find myself awake-too early-as if beaten by a hundred whips to face the dawn.
And in my collected sorrow know that, still... somehow, life-as such-must go ever forward, and still forward, until such time when life-itself is gone
with naught else to anticipate, save a cup of coffee's ‘fun house' reflection of a face so tired and wan
that were not my barren tears used so nearly up, they might fall to some desert patch of sleeping earth to somehow make it less despairing, and in a joyful fruitfulness, respond!
Oh !, could I at last be as unchained from nightmare chained to nightmare, chained to the evilness of nightmare? With its inevitable thoughts of death, to ever fly away, and fly beyond!


To be ever less consumed with pain by day, of course, would doubtless-so continued be my flight,
Until the dark, and dreary end of day, would prove to ever still the ravening fear I have each night.


Please always know you occupy some larger place within my heart.



Previous diary posts by Zahc:
Comments (4)Add Comment
written by vshante23, May 02, 2012
It’s so amazing how emotions and experiences can have so much commonality between people. Bitter sweet truth plague us all and all though the journeys are similar they all take on different paths...Be it God or other forces that determine theses paths...I find a lot of comfort in the thought that so much time wouldn't be put into a story if it wasn't something special. So with each obstacle there is an opportunity to overcome.

Sending you "light and love"

written by Tenar, May 02, 2012
Sending you peace.
written by STRENUBA, May 02, 2012
What a wonderful poem my friend. I think you should submit your poems to internet sites that reward money to such efforts, for you would win money for them, and get your words "out" to those that appreciate them as much as we do.
Especially the one you wrote to me my friend. You are very talented, I think much more than me. I mean it.
Love always,
written by 1magicman, May 04, 2012
My heart has become transparent by your words and your wisdom and your very presents. You made the light shine threw so i may move forward. May the power within yourself keep you free from pain so i and others can be lightened. God bless you my dearest friend Zahc.

( Hope To Cope ) Scott

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