|Sep 27 2011|
Oh, my dearest friends, and, ever-loyal and kind readers, there are many occasions--now--that I feel as if launched on a journey into a body and mind 'adventure', nevernow knowing what another day will bring, by way of surprises.
That while I am in near-constant pain, so severe at times, that I can no longer function on even a base level; when the perfidy of false friends wounds my heart; where loud noises, and bright lights startle me; when tne inevitablity of bills keeps piling up; and--in seeking some sort of balance within the world, am confused, amazed, baffled, and so tired of mind, that all of these things hark to a world that I can no longer understand, nor readily accept.
My dear, dear friends...I am so exhausted--today--that I had barely the energy to say good morning to my 'best dog-on-the-planet', Daisy, stumble over to the counter to take my various, morning pills, and with cigarette in trembling hand, try to make a cup of coffee, which I made extra-strong, in hopes that it would revive me.
For YOU well know the accumulated stresses, depression, and inability to cope that so very often marks my days.
And so, especially after yesterday ( about which, more later ), I decided to declare today to be a 'Me Day', a day during which I would let my tired body and mind dictate the events of the day. I purposely decided to ( as in any other REAL, observed holiday ), try to empty my mind further of worry, stress, responsibility, and...accountablity. And to celebrate the best as I could, in being a true, 'King Of The Amoebas'; eating when I felt like it; spending time on the computer--as now I am, and, even looking forward to a nap--later--with no specific times for sleep, or of rising.
A 'Me Day', today, is special, somehow. And is doubtless indicative of what I want, deserve..and NEED.
Yesterday, as I had mentioned in my last diary post, I had an appointment to see my PM, and even though I felt ill, with a pain 'level' easily at a 'six ( out of 1--10 ), and prepared to do battle; I had not wanted this kind of 'fight, or flight' contention with him, but I was prepared to make my case, and, hold my ground, to not let him buffalo me, dismiss me, or to treat me like some textbook entry.
And so, my most wonderful friends, I went with a bellyful of pain, a faint ( to become greater ) beginnings of a migraine, and awash in testosterone, and adrenalin. And, outside, the sky grew dark; thunder could be heard in the near distance, and, it threatened to rain.
I disliked the inevitable wait, and of the noxious sound ot the TWO televisions, there, both on the same news channel, full of 'talking heads' arguing endlessly about this new, 'Michael Jackson murder trial', about which, my dearest friends, I was as a captive audience who could not have really cared less; I fully apologise to those of you who are MIcheal Jackson fans, as I meant no offense....but there is an HUGE difference between watching such television by choice, or--instead--having it shoved down one's throat.
When finally I was called to enter that 'inner sanctum' which separates the waiting room, from the exam rooms, I was seen--not by my PM--but by his ARNP, who, in comparison was friendly, amiable, concerned, and who wrote out my blessed scripts without prompting, and even suggested that I consider a different, 'short-term' medication that I had hitherto never had heard of; I think, it is called, 'opama', or suchlike; so, dearest friends, should any of you have had experience with the medication, I would ask you to please, most kindly share it with me.
Yesterday, my utterly wonderful C.N.A. had given me a shower, and I donned clean clothes to see the doctor, and even wore one of my favorite hats; a black felt hat I had purchased from 'Blair'.
So, you might know that when I left the doctor's office, it was raining steadily, outside, and I managed to get my hat wet, which I hope will dry, and not lose its shape--such a tiny concern.
Subsequently, the evening passed into night; I was visited by my psych, nurse, Cyndi ( for whom I had bought [on sale], a T-shirt, and an identical one for me in sage green, that featured a picture of an horse upon it. Remember 'Charlie', the chocolate Shetland pony I am trying to buy ? ), and my 'friend' James came over, to bring me my dinner ( I pay his mother $100.00 a month, for one, hot meal a day ), and to ask if he could use my computer(today), to try to type up a resume for himself; of course I didn't mind; he is a twenty-four year old friend of mine ( I have known both he and his brothers since they were infants, and it is he, and another of his brothers that I would be among the happiest of men on the planet, were they to approach me, and ask me to be their father ! ) For, while their biological father was, and still is, one of those odious, self-described 'wheeler/dealers', and a drunk, and abusive, besides, regrettably, their step-father is really no better . But, dearest friends, and readers, I fear I digress.
In the fullness of time, I--in clean 'jammies', and to a soft bed, made welcoming by clean, fresh sheets--finally hit the sack, as they say. And, having gone through my usual ritual, wherein , I summoned dog to sleep by my side; heaved and tossed until I had found that 'one' spot; having said my prayers, burrowed under the covers, in hopes of a quiet night of sleep.
But, my dearest friends, something odd, strange, bothersome ALWAYS seems to occur within that first blissful transition from wakefulness to sleeping, to wakefulness again.
For I awoke, after, perhaps two hours, absolutely drentched in sweat, soaked-through, so much so, that the back of my head above the neck, and into my hair was solidly wet.
So much for clean pajammas. Even my pillows were damp, so I had to flip them over; I had to get up, my back now alive with pain, and change clothes, and then--as is my habit--hit the bathroom, and come out to the kitchen for a drink, and a smoke.
And at eight-thirty, this morning, that is where I again found myself...head down on arms, sitting at the kitchen counter, sound asleep' again, everything in form of me had been swept away, off the counter to to the floor, making quite a little mess.
Again, dear friends, I awoke with chills, being SO very cold and...exposed, for lack of a better term. And so, on and off drowsy, that in my semi-concious state, had NO idea where I was, and the little dreams that still would intrude simply made me disoriented
The ONLY thing I was sure of was, that of an agony of pain, and headache...that kind of quickly enveloping pain so consuming in its totality, that I could barely see through blurred eyes, having knocked my glasses to the floor, and of makiong those wierd, little moaning noises with each exhalation.
It was only after my taking my morning medications, AND an extra pain med., that while waiting for the kettle to boil for some blessed coffee, that I decided--then--that, today, by official proclamation, would be a 'Me Day', trying to leave all conscious worry behind. At least for the day. And to try to celebrate--at its very least--not the responsibities of Purpose, but to try to enjoy that unfettered state of just 'Being'.
And while this infers a rejection of structure, there ARE a number of dicta that define the day. And, if I could but share them with you, they would be as follows:
1) No news, today, not on radio, televison, nor online; 2) whatever is placed out in the mailbox, today, can safely stay there until tomorrow; 3)all commerce grinds to an halt. That means, no opening bills, or even worrying about them; nothing can really be done about them that cannot wait until another day; 4) To completely eschew loud music of any kind; leave ytour I-Pod thingys alone; 5) Spend more time in silent prayer, in gratitude for your blessings, your freedoms, and your comforts.
In addition, I will: 1) spend more time with Daisy, the 'best dog-on-the-planet', getting down on the floor with her, however painfully I do so, to let her know how very much I love her. This would work equally well with your children, grandchildren, and your spouses ( not, that you'd have to get down on the floor with them, but you know what I mean ).
2) Eat, whenever I am hungry, not because the clock tells me I should; and, as a collorary to that, that I can have ice cream anytime I want to today, and, as much as I want.
3) Since I don't suppose I will be visited by the Pope, today, I had dressed in that which makes me most comfortable; right now...that consistes of skivvies, and my 'horse' T-shirt'.
4) I will nap, any time, today, for as long or as little as I like. And if one nap proves insufficient, I can always take another; the lure of clean and cool bed linens is no less so during the day, ans it is at night.
5) Except as may be necessary, I am giving the telephone a breather.
Of course I well know that many of you, my dearest friends, and kind readers, have jobs, obligations, children, houses, spouses, a million things. And so you may wonder how you might be able to have a 'Me Day' of your own.
For that, dearest friends, if you can stand to read it in its entirety, I previously wrote a diary entry much along these same lines. It comes down to being able to crave out for yourself, and for you, alone, little pieces of time that you share with no other, or share with only a few, and of YOUR choice.
The more compressed your time is, the more 'Me Days' will seem like mini-holidays, vacations for yourself.
For Heaven's sake, my dearest friends, you already have your individual pain to have to live with.
It then becomes imperative that you grab as much time for yourself as you can, whenever you can, either to do something you really like, that relaxes you...or, to do nothing at all.
You cannot possibly imagine just how liberating this is, and how very necessary it is. Nor of how much great good it will do you !
As always, my precious friends and loyal readers, please ever allow me to wish for you pain-free days, quiet, peaceful days, and the renewal of spirit, that a 'Me Day' can provide. Quite, and harmonious evenings, and, of course, nights of blissful, and untrammeled, and restorative sleep, watched over, and kept ever safe, by the constant and sweet ministerings of angels.
And, as always....all my devotion, thanks, and love, 'Zahc'
'Its 5:30 AM. " Where Am I ?"..." What Am I ?"......
"The Heart Bowed Down By Weight Of Woe..."
'Nightmare And Pain'..'Pain And Nightmare': The Ev...
'The Continuing Saga: 'Tails' Of The Pony, Part IV...
'Gimme A Little Sugar, Before You Go"
'My Rhodesian Family Of Four"
'The Continuing 'Tail' Of The Pony, Part III'
Members who read this post also read:
Still fighting everything, SHeehans that goes untr...
Incessant Recurrent Pericarditis