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Bianca94 This diary is for my precious Bianca.
You were my cousin, my best friend, my everything.
You've the biggest part of my heart, you still live in my soul.. I've not forgotten all our laughes and jokes,, and I will always be that little girl you used to love..

Dedicated to Amati Bianca
16.06.1996 - 17.09.2005
The most brave Neuroblastoma IV stage warrior
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Thinkin' about the days I left behind

Nov 02 2010

Those days I was thinking about the days I left behind my shoulders.. Trying to close my past and go on, holding my future..

And.. as I thought, I discovered that's not easy, it's noteasy at all!! I'm scared by the fact that I could forget all my past.. Bianca's eyes, her laugh, her smile, her sweet and little face..

The moments we shared together when we was young.. I'm scared, I am literally frightened of this.. IDON'T want to forget, but I think I will finally do.. :(

On the other hand, I cannot live in pain forever.. I cannot live thinking every day that I've lost the most important person in my life, and that I cannot see her face again..

I cannot wake up every mornin screaming and shouting for my heart-breaking..

I cannot stand at Bianca's grave and stare her photos letting my tears flow down from my eyes.. I just cannot, because of my helath, because of my life..

Yes, I know, I'm not a parent, I'm young, but the grief of losing my best friend, my cousin, my soulmate, will never disappear, it will never go away, it will probably become less hurting, but it will always stay with me, and I cannot fight this condition.. If you've ever lost someone due to cancer, you know what I feel inside.. The pain is just getting worse everyday, and I feel so helpless, so sad, so tired, because I wanted to do something for Bianca, but I couldn't destroy cancer.. It was like she was dying and I was watching without doing anything.. I wasn't able to do anything, I was only a little girl and the tumor was just too strong, the doctors could not heal her (so I hadn't any possibility to do it) but I feel so .. so ticklish when I think about it, I feel just too hopeless to go out from the tunnel..

It's hard, but I'm trying to smile at my future, even though the only thing I want to do is drawn. It's very hard, but I can do it :)

Bianca will alwys be with me, in every step of my life, and I will learn to smile at sunrise, trying to feel her sould on me..

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