Drowing Into Me

Well Hello,

Again I fail like I have been before. My mania is up a lot and anxiety down for some reason. My relationship status close to zero in which I had all the sign thereto get better. I left her be yet I was needy at times, she doesn't understand what this doing to me. I deal with it and wait for 30 days so far and a  misunderstand with another  ex she spazzs. i do anything for Sam so I take a look back outside of my self to see all that is wrong and what I have done in my relationship and in life. I see that I do have abandonment issues badly which I have to start working on now. Sam will be ok shes a big girl and can take care of her self. I realize this ye I ask if she's ok smothering her so gently while I'm vauge to it all. And I see that I care too much so I have to control these emotions and realize that take it easy. I can do this, I'm not dumb. I just hope she realizes this and will give me a second chance. My ex Shannon hurt her and us so I can see why Samantha's pissed and hurt. So I am finally and once for all cutting ties with Shannon she can't be trusted. 

As for me and Samantha there's a lot to work on and she still has to work herself and I so I will keep continuing to give her space. I have this attitude that the world sucks and that suicide is ok. i told several times I died at the moment I'd be okay.  That's fuck up thinking which I need to rid of it and I'm spiteful and I hate humanity. I don't like things going wrong and I break down bad which is not a good thing to do. I'm starting to take control of my bipolar yet part of me want to destroy my life like a slow suicide. But I would have fun doing it and not caring. I feel that is the bipolar to feel goo in some way even if it hurts me.I view life cynical but I don't act it and I want what everyone else wants. I want a good relationship,good job and apartment, but to my self destructive ways in the past that is a pipe dream and I end up being a dishwasher in a restaurant making $7.50 an hour and living with my family. Some life and at one point I had the apartment and it wasn't great but it was mine.

My thoughts go from a good time to fuck this hell I want to burn everything then switches to a major death wish I will abuse the shit out of my body to do so. When it's all said and done alone like I have always been. Samantha once said she was mothering me,maybe but I realize that I should have been her equal. In which I can the most and my other skeletons in my closet are not long there cause there all out and now I am an open book. Yet I feel I always be in disrepair, yet I keep on fixing my self now matter how I feel cause I have to try to make my self better than the way I am now. My social and relationships skill new to improve well      etleast the relationship skill a lot. I'm very kind and nice person,but inside I'm a monster in a downward spiral.

- The Damaged One