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cappymuir"MDJunction means to me the freedom to express my feelings without being interrupted and knowing there are others that can share their experience too. As a Leader it is a to show compassion and give support to all the members and always listen to each one's needs. Sometimes I may not be able to relate, so I view the responses that do relate and happy to see the results. I am proud to be a member of MDJunction and share it with all I meet that need support. I am glad to be an advocate for many different areas that MDJunction fills." (cappymuir)

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sunshinethewerewolf My daily life of rants,raves,freaking out and and this roller coaster ride called my life. That at times can even surprise me, but this is my life and well welcome to all who read this.

My Sound Track Has Now Become Bombing Raid

Mar 29 2010

Well Hello,

Again I fail like I have been before. My mania is up a lot and anxiety down for some reason. My relationship status close to zero in which I had all the sign thereto get better. I left her be yet I was needy at times, she doesn't understand what this doing to me. I deal with it and wait for 30 days so far and a  misunderstand with another  ex she spazzs. i do anything for Sam so I take a look back outside of my self to see all that is wrong and what I have done in my relationship and in life. I see that I do have abandonment issues badly which I have to start working on now. Sam will be ok shes a big girl and can take care of her self. I realize this ye I ask if she's ok smothering her so gently while I'm vauge to it all. And I see that I care too much so I have to control these emotions and realize that take it easy. I can do this, I'm not dumb. I just hope she realizes this and will give me a second chance. My ex Shannon hurt her and us so I can see why Samantha's pissed and hurt. So I am finally and once for all cutting ties with Shannon she can't be trusted. 

As for me and Samantha there's a lot to work on and she still has to work herself and I so I will keep continuing to give her space. I have this attitude that the world sucks and that suicide is ok. i told several times I died at the moment I'd be okay.  That's fuck up thinking which I need to rid of it and I'm spiteful and I hate humanity. I don't like things going wrong and I break down bad which is not a good thing to do. I'm starting to take control of my bipolar yet part of me want to destroy my life like a slow suicide. But I would have fun doing it and not caring. I feel that is the bipolar to feel goo in some way even if it hurts me.I view life cynical but I don't act it and I want what everyone else wants. I want a good relationship,good job and apartment, but to my self destructive ways in the past that is a pipe dream and I end up being a dishwasher in a restaurant making $7.50 an hour and living with my family. Some life and at one point I had the apartment and it wasn't great but it was mine.

My thoughts go from a good time to fuck this hell I want to burn everything then switches to a major death wish I will abuse the shit out of my body to do so. When it's all said and done alone like I have always been. Samantha once said she was mothering me,maybe but I realize that I should have been her equal. In which I can the most and my other skeletons in my closet are not long there cause there all out and now I am an open book. Yet I feel I always be in disrepair, yet I keep on fixing my self now matter how I feel cause I have to try to make my self better than the way I am now. My social and relationships skill new to improve well      etleast the relationship skill a lot. I'm very kind and nice person,but inside I'm a monster in a downward spiral.

- The Damaged One

Previous diary posts by sunshinethewerewolf:
Comments (1)Add Comment
written by grams2, March 30, 2010
We are all a work in progress. And every relationship we take care of each other equally. One more then the other at different times. That is a healthy relationship. Take care of yourself right now and be gentle to yourself. Do not focus on your so called inner demons. Release the monster and let them him die. And move forward. For with forward motion is there growth. I think of you often after reading your posts and hope only for you recovery and good health. Always here in friendship.

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