|Mar 29 2010|
Again I fail like I have been before. My mania is up a lot and anxiety down for some reason. My relationship status close to zero in which I had all the sign thereto get better. I left her be yet I was needy at times, she doesn't understand what this doing to me. I deal with it and wait for 30 days so far and a misunderstand with another ex she spazzs. i do anything for Sam so I take a look back outside of my self to see all that is wrong and what I have done in my relationship and in life. I see that I do have abandonment issues badly which I have to start working on now. Sam will be ok shes a big girl and can take care of her self. I realize this ye I ask if she's ok smothering her so gently while I'm vauge to it all. And I see that I care too much so I have to control these emotions and realize that take it easy. I can do this, I'm not dumb. I just hope she realizes this and will give me a second chance. My ex Shannon hurt her and us so I can see why Samantha's pissed and hurt. So I am finally and once for all cutting ties with Shannon she can't be trusted.
As for me and Samantha there's a lot to work on and she still has to work herself and I so I will keep continuing to give her space. I have this attitude that the world sucks and that suicide is ok. i told several times I died at the moment I'd be okay. That's fuck up thinking which I need to rid of it and I'm spiteful and I hate humanity. I don't like things going wrong and I break down bad which is not a good thing to do. I'm starting to take control of my bipolar yet part of me want to destroy my life like a slow suicide. But I would have fun doing it and not caring. I feel that is the bipolar to feel goo in some way even if it hurts me.I view life cynical but I don't act it and I want what everyone else wants. I want a good relationship,good job and apartment, but to my self destructive ways in the past that is a pipe dream and I end up being a dishwasher in a restaurant making $7.50 an hour and living with my family. Some life and at one point I had the apartment and it wasn't great but it was mine.
My thoughts go from a good time to fuck this hell I want to burn everything then switches to a major death wish I will abuse the shit out of my body to do so. When it's all said and done alone like I have always been. Samantha once said she was mothering me,maybe but I realize that I should have been her equal. In which I can the most and my other skeletons in my closet are not long there cause there all out and now I am an open book. Yet I feel I always be in disrepair, yet I keep on fixing my self now matter how I feel cause I have to try to make my self better than the way I am now. My social and relationships skill new to improve well etleast the relationship skill a lot. I'm very kind and nice person,but inside I'm a monster in a downward spiral.
- The Damaged One
Running To The Edge Of the World
Doing better at anxiety
Having Fun Picking Up The Pieces
Me Versus Me
My adventures in Blah!
So this is the train wreck called me Part.1
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