Dasha

it has been a while since i had a chance to get online.i managed to bring the internet down and could not figure out how to bring it back up until last night.but now i am back.a lot has happend sence i wrote the last diary entry.that is one reason why i needet the internet back up and running so can get in touch with you guys.i told my doc about the voices i been hearing and he told me that there is nothing to worry about.he said at this point i am more leaning to borderline personality disorder but good borderline personality disorder  instead of bipolar.he also told me that it is normal for me to feel like i am two people because i am.he said there is the german me and then there is the american me,then he also said with all the old stuff getting brought up there is the little girl and then there is the grown woman.anyway.....i heard my kids whispering my name twice sence that saturday.i am still in intensive outpatient therapie and i don't think i will get out any time soon.i have to much stuff going on,every time i think i made it something get thrown in my way and i get a huge setback.the last time i burned myself was about three or four weeks ago.the sores on my leg are at least two or three months old now and the healing very slow,the once on my arm are gone beside the last one i did ,that one is still healing.when i came out of the hospital my sugar level was one day over 400 and my bloodpressure was way to high that day too,so they was sending me straight to my medical doc.so now i am taking two pills for my diabetes and bloodpressure meds.it keeps on getting better and better.on top of all this my 15 year old daughter is a handfull right now.she met this boy and i can tell you all that ever sence there is nothing but drama with her.it got so bad that i finally made her an appointment with my therapist,because she stardet cutting herself.even after she promised me when we talked about my burnes that she would never do something like that.i have been wanting for her to see a therapist for the longest but she refust to go.but when i seen all the cuts on her leg i told her that she is a minor and i can make her go.so on monday is her appointment.god....i hope my pdoc can help her,she got a lot of issues to deal with.when i told my husband about her cutting herself he just shook his head and said that it must come from my sijde of the familie,i told him that he is right.i told him that not to long ago i found out that all of my dads aunts where locked away for life in the crazy house because they all where schizophrenic.i also told him if i would have known this when i was a teen i would have never stardet a relationship and i definatly never would have had kids.but i did not know.his reply to that was that this was the reason why hitler wanted to get rid of all the germans.even his halfsisters because they where mentally ill.that again remindet me of my dad because he always said when he was drunk that he wished hitler would come back,but my dad did not realist that he would be one of the first once to go because he had brownish hair and brown eyes.hitler only wanted the true german blond hair and blue eyes.any way i am taking my meds ,i am going to therapy and i am glad that my computer is up and running again.