Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts. My advice follows, at the end of this reply. Please bear in mind that this advice is given in good faith. It may or may not work, but then there ARE no guarantees in life, are there? :- )
But first some general comments, and please excuse me if I appear too blunt. BPD is a harsh reality:
1) As I said in ‘my reasons for joining the group’, knowing the problem is often half the solution.
2) My wife did not know she was a BPD; and does not know even now because I have not had the courage to share my diagnosis with her. She does not know that she cannot control herself but now I know that. I cannot control her but, of course, I can control myself. I have just used my understanding to change my reaction to her symptoms and our life is so much the better for it.
3) My wife and I have our faith and are committed to each other through our marriage. Divorce is permitted in my faith, but of all permissible acts, divorce is considered the least desirable in the eyes of God. In spite of this, you will recall from my article, that I did offer her an amicable divorce once, assuming that I could never make her happy. But her reaction surprised me and I understood that she really loves me. At that time I concluded that her ‘tantrums’ were just a bluff to get her own way.
4) My wife has a million things going for her. She is great at interior decoration, an excellent cook, a gracious host and a loving mother. While being a BPD, nature has compensated her by so many other creative talents. For example I taught her how to play bridge and she became the national master, while I remained a mediocre player.
4) In a way your situation is the reverse of ours. The female partner knows she is BPD but the male doesn’t. So your partner does not have the benefit of the kind of insight I developed. Since you cannot control yourself, any advice I give may not be of any use to you ‘in the heat of the moment’ so to speak. Really the person who needs the advice is your partner, which of course you cannot give for fear that he may be unwilling to take on the ‘burden’ or worse, leave for fear of the unknown.
5) Incidentally, his age has nothing to do with his lack of understanding. I was nearly 70 and married for 42 years before I realized my wife has a condition and she is not at fault. I think BPD’s have a great capacity to rationalize their momentary irrationalities and to defend their indefensible words/actions.
So all in all a somewhat complex situation requiring some bold decisions. Here is my advice:
1) Since he has come to the conclusion that you are ‘the best thing in his life’ and he wants to give you stability, make it clear, by means that only women know best, that stability means commitment and commitment means matrimonial bliss and not ‘living together’. Tell him it is time for him and you to bring up a family and a matrimonial home is the best place for children to grow. Let him think it over.
2) If he understands and proposes marriage, then go for it with heart and soul. (If he doesn’t, you are no worse off).
3) After marriage, take a long leave from work, make a home and look after him. Do not try to think up ways of pleasing him; you will be disappointed when your efforts are not acknowledged. Rather listen to what he wants and be happy to give him all the legitimate support he wants.
4) At an appropriate time arrange a joint session with your doctor, or a trusted mutual friend, and let him/her inform your partner about your BPD and how best to handle the ‘episodes’ when they occur.
5) The way I handle my wife’s ‘provocations’ is not to go on the defensive and show my anger. If I shout, she just remembers my reaction; she has no recollection that it was she who first said something extremely provocative. Instead, as soon as she says something I do not like, I point this out to her in an even voice and get on with what I am doing as if nothing happened, or may be even give her a kiss or/and a hug. It works. With a BPD it is unwise to get involved with words; one must try to understand the underlying symptoms.
The fact that you have asked such an intimate question from a perfect stranger is evidence of how much you care for this relationship. Of course you can make it work; you both seem to be made for each other.
If this advice is helpful, please let me know and I will ask your permission to put it to the group, without of course revealing the identity of the person/s involved. This reply may be of more than individual interest.
Well, (Name of reader withheld), I wish you luck.
This is the end of the fourth part of my article 'In Love and Living with a BPD'
