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Below is an article I found on the web about the effect of shame in relationships. As a partner of someone with Avpd I found this very interesting.
SHAME AND COUPLES Additionally shame is often at the root of marital discord. For example, if one member of the couple wants more intimacy, and/or communication than the other, both may feel shame as a result. The one wanting more intimacy may feel rejected and shamed for wanting too much, the other may feel shame for either not being comfortable with more closeness, or for wanting more distance than the other. The shame, because it is so painful, is often bypassed, and can turn into blaming each other (“You don’t love me!”, or “You’re too needy!”). Unfortunately this results in an increase in shame for both people, resulting in an escalation of blame, a vicious cycle that can have devastating results. In my work with couples, I focus on what each member of the relationship wants, or does not want, and to frame it in a way that minimizes both people’s shame and blame. Instead there can be the conversation that was prevented by the shame/blame cycle, decreasing hostile interactions and increasing an understanding of what the other wants.
| Shame and Its Relation to the Avoidant Personality While shame is a universal human emotion found in all civilizations and cultures, there are different set of roots from which the reasons for shame spring. Here in western civilization, there is a lot of emphasis placed on being a separate, autonomous, unemotional individualist. Hollywood movies with actors such as Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, and Gary Cooper, portray the heroic male who is strong, courageous, and silent. These roles portray self-reliance to the utmost degree. The high value placed on individuality and self sufficiency in Western Society plays a significant role in complicating things for those who struggle with avoidant personality disorder. The complication is that the value placed on individuality becomes a rationalization or excuse for avoiding social interaction. For these individuals, social interaction is so painful that it must be shunned at all costs. Yet, in most careers it is necessary to behave in socially acceptable ways in order to become successful. It soon becomes apparent to these individuals that they must rely on the cooperation of other people in the work place and elsewhere. Needing the cooperation of others at work is experienced as a threat because they are forced to face up to their social fears and long established patterns of behavior. In fact, the socially avoidant person may experience having to rely on others as a humiliation. Strongly invested in the belief that it is better to "go it alone," they want to withdraw into isolation. It’s a real conundrum, to want to avoid social contact on the one hand because it arouses too much anxiety and to have to admit to needing others in order to function successfully. Independence is highly valued regardless of issues of anxiety and the need for social avoidance.At the very same time, the nature of the Socially Avoidant Person is such that any criticism, even the slightest, is experienced as acutely painful. In fact, being criticized causes the avoidant person to feel humiliated and, therefore shamed. The Need to Belong:The simple fact is that all of us, as members of the human species, have a need to belong. While most of us need to spend some time alone, too much aloneness results in depression. Even those with Avoidant Personality Disorder become depressed if they are alone too much of the time. The healthy need to feel accepted and to belong outweighs the wish to avoid. In all of the cases of avoidant personality disorder I have treated the individuals were either married or in long term relationships. In addition, most were working or had been working until they were forced to resign as a result of overwhelming anxiety and severe depression. Most of the people I have treated were also extremely bright and had attained high levels of education and professional status. They ran into trouble quickly after they started their careers as a result of the demand put on them to be social in their job or profession. As a result of this trouble, they were forced to seek psychotherapy. Of the cases of people with Avoidant Personality Disorder, those who were married also ran into difficulty with their spouses. The reasons for the marital difficulties had to do with the fact that the spouse with the personality disorder rarely wanted to go out and socialize. The unwillingness to be in social situations even included going to movies, restaurants, and having friends and family over for social visits.TreatmentThere are a variety of treatments available for Avoidant Personality Disorder. Medication can be useful in reducing anxiety and depression. Among the types of medications used are the anti depressants and/or the anti anxiety drugs. When these symptoms are reduced, individuals with this disorder often find it easier to make use of psychotherapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is most useful with the social phobias and avoidant disorders because the emphasis is on changing thinking patterns as well as modifying behavior. The emphasis is on helping the patient face and become desensitized to the stimuli (social situations) that cause them the most trouble. Behavior modification includes learning the social skills necessary to function in society. Among the skills needed to be developed are: 1. making eye contact with people, 2. learning to greet people with a smile and rehearsing common verbal interactions between people, 3. learning how to be assertive in ways that are appropriate, 4. learning what to say or how to respond in a variety of social situations, and 5. learning and rehearsing how to carry on common everyday conversations with people.Attending assertive training classes is something which can also be helpful for these individuals, as is group therapy, and learning the social skills necessary to function in society. |
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